lately i have been experiencing a tremendous amount of pain. more pain than i have ever felt before. it seems as though i cant do anything anymore or be in any position that relieves my pain. so frustrating. physical pain has been causing me emotional pain and despair. not an easy combo to handle.
at church the other week, i opted to take the stairs rather than the elevator. as i approached them in a hobble (when in pain i walk like i'm 120 years old) and wearing my neck brace. a man looked at me and said, "no elevator this time huh" i said "no, i think i wanna try the stairs. i think i can do it." and then with so much wisdom wrapped around these words he said. "you know, you don't always have to be the hero." i nodded, he sort of left me speechless. i continued down the stairs replaying those words over and over in my head.
it is surprising to me how many times that i actually do things because i think i have to in order to be this 'strong person' that people think i am.
i pray for strength and courage because i feel like i have to handle my NF perfectly. because God allowed this to happen. because with His strength or without it is the difference between life and death to me. i often lose sight that because i am only human, i can only be so strong, smile through pain only so much. but the man at church is right, i don't always have to be the hero. its simply impossible.
i go back and forth with my emotions towards pain and my lack of control daily, even hourly. my weaknesses are so evident. i cant hide from my tumors and my pain. my pride is slapped down when i try to go throughout a day without God getting me through. i must cling to Him for every moment.
i am going to be at battle against my tumors for the rest of my life, but knowing that i will be in the Lords hands through it all...reveals to me that i am going to be ok. i will have victory. maybe i don't always have to be 'the hero' but remembering that victory will be mine in the end sure makes me feel like one.
also, super hero's have cool outfits. sometimes i will lose perspective and struggle with my fears so i decided to make myself a super hero cape. i figure that whenever i put it on, i will be reminded of my strength and i will feel victorious. what could these little jerk tumors have on me when God is with me?
and guess what? when i strapped that cape on, i honestly felt like i could do some serious damage. it is safe to say that pretending i am a mighty destroyer of all tumors is now my new favorite hobby. wait, who am i kidding. i'm not pretending, i actually AM a super hero. Super Tumor Hater that is... batman and spiderman say hi.
