emergency room weekend

warning this is an extremely long post. congratulations if you make it to the end. sorry, i have sooo much to say!

well well well...
where would i even start? first of all, i am sorry i have completely abandoned you all. i had quite a hard time july 15th-22nd. friday the 15th was the day before a fundraiser that my aunt was putting on for me. i woke up in absolute terrible pain. so much pain that i made an appointment with my doctor and asked for an MRI to see if their had been any dramatic changes in my tumors. i also had my blood drawn and some xrays. well results came back that their had been no significant changes in any of my images and my blood work was ok as well. i was relieved of course. but i WAS a bit frustrated feeling like my body had no 'new' reason to be feeling such a dramatic difference of pain.

i knew i needed to rest up really well for the next day so i could be feeling fantastic for my fundraiser. i was going to show up no matter how much pain i was in. (or so i thought).

saturday 2am: woke up in a torturous pain. head to toe. i cant even describe the pain but i CAN tell you that i have felt a tumor removal surgery before because the surgeon only numbed my skin. and i would rather go through that again than to feel as i did saturday AND sunday. as i laid on my bathroom floor throwing up, i screamed. i howled. i punched things. slammed my head on things. said some things i shouldn't have. i...oh...my, terrible. cant describe it.
i refused to take pain killer. why? cuz i am so stubborn. i thought i could handle it. well, i went through this whole screaming, pacing the house, throwing up 'deal' about every 45 minutes that night.
i'm trying not to make this too long but its hard to spare some of these details.

here, less details more facts.

8am: called my mom told her of my night, said i may not make it to the fundraiser for a couple more hours.
9am: still throwing up.
10am: still throwing up. start having body shakes/convulsions. more crying and screaming.
11am: trying to drink water to take my anti nausea meds.
11:01: threw up water.

meanwhile i keep getting phone calls from family and eli to see how i'm doing and if i'm feeling well enough to at least make it to the lunch/auction.

12:00 my mom calls. hears my voice and knows its serious and that i need her.
12:20 mom arrives at my house.
12:45 keep throwing up, start convulsing harder.
12:50 mom takes me to ER.

finally i had an iv in me that gave me fluids. anti nausea meds and pain killer, and they took some blood. i was there for 5 hours. i had numerous visitors. i felt very loved. after a while i felt fine. so i was released and doctors told me it was the gleevec that had made me feel so sick because my labs were fine and i had no signs of anything wrong with me.

6:45 get home.
6:50 eli makes me toast.
6:55 throw up toast.
7:00 take anti nausea pill.
7:15 fell asleep.
1:00 am woke up...and went through the exact same thing as the night before. exact.
8:00 am called mom. asked her to come over...

we tried to handle it on our own, but we very quickly came to realize that i needed to go to the ER again. must have been the laying on the shower floor throwing up while having insaine body convulsions that did it for us both.
this time in the ER the IV started a lot quicker than the day before, maybe cuz i was on the 'red' side. (more serious side of ER). i have never actually been excited for an IV. until then. that day the doctors ordered the same tests as the day before, but they also added a pelvic exam and an abdominal and chest xray. apparently i'm fine!?! dr's never really gave me a reason as to why i was going through so much that weekend. they think i was on too much gleevec for my body size. we are all still confused.

i hear that your body can reach a point where it is in so much pain that you throw up. maybe that was it? maybe it was the gleevec? i know i didn't catch a bug. eli woulda been sick too.
so anyways, i begged the doctors to keep me over that night. i was terrified to go through a 3rd night of 'hell'. but they didn't want me! i wanted to be admitted so bad.
so anyways, i went to my moms for the next few days and lets just say i dont remember much at all. i was on so many pills that it is a blur. i remember my mom feeding me muffins. i remember my lovely friend addi bringing me flowers (that i have a pic of above). its like when you try to remember a dream and you only remember little pieces. for 3 days. apparently i walked around the house in my birthday suit. yea....my parents house. at least i have numerous pills to blame it on.

it took me a full 7 days to even feel like a human again...weird stuff was goin i tell ya. worst pain i have ever felt. i have been off of the gleevec for 13 days now....and i will go back on it. pretty sure my dosage will never get up to 6 pills a day ever again. but i will reach for 4. and be proud if i make it there.

things i learned from my torturous weekend.

1) my boyfriend is so incredible. he stayed with me in the ER. tried to crack jokes to make me laugh while i was getting pumped with fluid. he fed me food while i was recovering at my moms. he did other things...that i'm embarassed to admit. i am so lucky to have a man that doesn't let my health stand in the way of his feelings for me. he deserves a gold metal.
2) when i am sick, there is no comfort like what my mom can give, her home made muffins, helping me bathe, feeding me by hand...it was amazing to have her help me feel like it was going to be ok. that i didn't have to be strong, her strength allowed me to be weak.
3) eli tried to take me to ER but i didn't let him. i will still obey my mom. apparently my mother knows best. still.
4) iv's don't hurt all that bad. i have refused iv's through all of my 30+ MRI's and asked for a butterfly needle instead. well, iv's aren't that bad.
5) my body is not normal. i need to take way better care of myself. eat healthy and its ok if i take pain pills. i need to stop allowing myself to be in agony just because i am scared of addiciton.
6) my mom makes really good muffins.
7) my mom is better than yours....just kidding...maybe.

did you make it all the way to the end??? kuddo's for you! you may be the only one. sorry for the leangth. i just had so darn much to say!!

ps how cute is my parents dog 'rudy'? i have a lot of pictures that i took of him cuddling me during my recovery, but i dont remember it at all. =(

sleepin sweetly

for those of you who have trouble sleeping. wake up in pain. or just down right love comfort. i have some very exciting news for you!

every single morning that i wake up i am in some sort of pain from my tumors. the little brats need their comfort or they will be nasty to me all day. i have tried a pillow top mattress pad but it didn't do the trick. my sweet mother even bought me a new mattress but even then i would still wake up in some serious pain. i really thought that comfortable sleeping was just not a possibility for me.

well it recently came to my attention that after i sleep on a memory foam mattress my pain level the day following is dramatically reduced. so, how do i problem solve this? buy me a memory foam mattress! well, at least a memory foam mattress topper. its been a week now since i made the $120 purchase at costco and since then i have been having some of the best sleep ever. no joke. no morning back pain. (neck pain=different story). i cant even think of words to describe it. heaven? perfect? rediculous? you guys, i cant get out of bed. every day i wake up and do everything from on top of my bed. i'm eating in my BED! i try to get ready to start the day....and i take like 10 'lay back on the bed' breaks. its bad.

i seriously have thought about how cool it would be if i could just give these out as gifts all the time. i think everyone needs one. i want everyone to have one. after all isn't good sleep vital for good health? please. go buy one of these and let me know how much you start to drool in your sleep.

outdoor wonderland

oh heavens, heavens, heavens! i could go on and on and on about my 4th of july weekend. it is now just ending. i left for 'the cabin' on saturday early afternoon and spent 4 glorious days there with eli's family. from dock time to bolo to too many cheetos i have not felt more relaxed and rejuvenated in.....over a year. at least. there is something about that cabin that makes your worries go away. no internet. no tv. just family. nature. and love.

boat rides? gee wiz. i teared up! not because something got caught in my eye...no sir. i got teary eyed because i was in some sort of a pine tree/out door wonderland. it stole my heart and took me back to when i was 12. we glided across the water, my hair blew behind me. the air was crisp we were surrounded by mountains including a beautiful snowy one that stood powerfully before us. it was awe inspiring. it was too good for words. i. must. return. stat.

how was YOUR 4th?

oh and just so you know...next time you watch fire works throw on a pair of 3d glasses. not the plastic ones that you get at the movies. they have to be the old school paper ones with one red lense and one blue lense. NO JOKE. 1 fire work=9 fire works when you have a pair of these on! it is sooo insainly exciting. i couldnt stop saying "wow" or just laughing becuase it was so amazing.

weekend with families

1) cutest lil thing in the world! 2) i absolutley LOVE fireplaces....real ones. 3) hanna and i on the deck! she is such an amazing doggie! look at her eyes, they are two different colors! 4) my parents and i out on the golf course. 5) my man did WELL. 6) us on the cart. sooo much fun! =)

last weekend was a double whammy fathers day with my man and i. on friday we went to eli's family's cabin at the lake for the night. while eli was out fishing and doing other manly things with his dad, his mom and i stayed inside and read in front of the fire, made dinner, desert and did other womanly things. well, she actually did all the cooking stuff. all i did was help peel apples, kept the kitchens wood stove going for warmth cuz it was freeeezing and kept the dishes clean. it was sooo much fun to be up at the cabin with just his parents and i! it rained almost all saturday, but it didn't matter. we all enjoyed ourselves completely.
sunday eli and i celebrated fathers day with MY family. we went out golfing with my parents and then out to dinner. i drove a cart and i guess you could say that i'm not the best cart driver. i sort of skidded out a few times...almost hit a tree, and my parents cart. i wasn't paying too much attention to the path because mr eli looked so darn cute in his golfing clothes i couldn't help to stare at him while he sat next to me! ;)
i know this is a week late, but... i hope everyone else had a great fathers day weekend!
ps. i emptied my second bottle of gleevec, and still no anti nausea meds! yahooo!!

tumor hater went over seas

a few months ago someone contacted me for an interview for a magazine. i was beside myself and eagerly accepted the opportunity. a couple weeks ago i received my copy and i have gotta say, it is a little weird to see myself on a magazine. i have received some very sweet emails from those in the UK that read my story....and.....purchases. so NOW tumor hater is over seas. so exciting!


it is pretty surreal to me how much has changed in the past 6 months. 6 months ago i decided i would except my tumors in a new way. i wanted to be more open about my emotions with the tumor-ey side of me. I began to love myself even though i have tumors. i began to believe i was love-able even though my future is unclear. yes, 'began', 6 months ago. i believe that one can not fully love another until they love themselves. loving myself regardless of my 'details' has been one of the best blessings ever and for the first time in my life i am so excited about my future. i am no longer going to sit back and let life slip away because i have tumors. in fact these tumors are the driving force behind my passions. it is a daily, hourly battle to adjust how i think of my tumors. and believe me, i have been constantly fighting this battle no matter how secure i sound on this blog. it is ruff! but i have a choice, we all do. i don't want my tumors to cripple my mind. they can take away my nerve function and cause pain, but it is up to me if they take away my heart and soul and that is what really matters anyways.

purple hair...?

pic 1) me with my victory, gleevec bottle one DONE! pic 2) i wanted you to get a closer look at this hair of mine. my reverse mullet. ladies and gentleman meet my boy hair. boy hair meet everyone. no matter how long this hair gets, i will forever call it my boy hair. pic 3) for those of you who don't know me too well, i wanted to share with you that i LOVE tjmaxx. the one in eugene oregon is my favorite. it just may be my favorite place on earth? id rather go here than disney land. this is MY happiest place on earth (even though i may only make a purchase of 1 or 2 items...this place gives me butterflies no matter what my wallet looks like) anyways, i can even get my hair products there, win! pic 4) i went over to my parents house the other day to visit....rudy. rudy-bega. i love you mom and jim, but you both know i'm obsessed with rudy booty and i missed my little fuzz bucket. love him...soo much! cant you see why?

gleevec bottle numero uno is down! EMPTY! oh what a victory. still not taking anti nausea meds. who cares if i was throwing up all tuesday morning. i'm not taking them again unless i throw up 2+ days in a row. why? cuz i'm tuff (stubborn).
i've been thinking. my tumors dwell in my body. my body one day will die. my tumors will die too. my soul however, will not. my tumors are just a detail of my body. a detail should not define me. just like my body should not define me. nor should yours define you. don't let this worlds terrible idea of what our bodies should look like rule your life. image is such a waste of time. our bodies image is the least of who we are. or at least they should be. be healthy (obviously). love your self. love others. don't let your size or shape hold your happiness. don't be tricked into thinking that your tumors, your cancer, your "defects" or your family should define you or make you less of a person. there is a way that we can take the hard things in life and turn them into good. we all have the opportunity to live a joyful life. its all about perspective. don't pity yourself. don't be your biggest enemy. it was never my tumors that held me back. it isn't my dads fault, or my sisters death. it wasn't these things that have given me complexes that held me back, it was me. don't be your biggest enemy. it is ALWAYS up to us to decide our happiness. if you cant find anything to be happy about today, find something simple and focus on it. like -->this<-- video. it HAS to make you laugh. don't focus on the bad. let go of the bad, forgive and become the YOU that you are dying to be!

ps. my hair stylist says that my boy hair is sort of growin in purplish. neat huh? maybe i'm an alien.

short and sweet

i went to a baby shower saterday for a friend from highschool. she is having twins! how fun! lemme just say that THIS baby shower was straight out of a martha stewart magazine. it was perfecTo. adorable. just....unbelievable. from our hand made napkins, to the amazing jelly jars (that i guess are called 'mason jars') we drank out of, to all of the homemade treats. my words will never do justice. nor will these pictures.
pic 1) some of us at the par-tay. left to right. nikki, rachel MEGAN (and babies) me and amanda. what are all those close pins doing on my shirt you ask? oh i collected them from guests when they said the word 'cute' it was a game. i was good. i won. people actually started surrendering there own clothes pin when they realized they didnt stand a chance against me. muaa-ha-ha-haaa. pic 2) the beautiful mamma to be. now i see the 'glow' they talk about. dont you? pic 3) my cute little mason jar drink! 4) paper puff balls. i want these all over the place, all of the time. wouldnt life be more fun if these were everywhere? light posts. telephone lines. trees in the park. you get the picture. it would make your everyday life a big party. pic 5 and 6) Sunday june 5th would have been my sisters 28th birthday. my boyfriend and i drove out to put flowers on her grave. sunflowers were her favorite. it was hard for me to have him take these pictures. it was like i was taking a picture with her...for the first time in 11 years.


so grateful for my friends and family. could i ever say that enough? this week was so nice and relaxing and now the weekend is over. phooo-e. i am actually really looking forward to my new work schedule that starts this week. and the SUN that is supposedly making its arrival to our area starting thursday! wa-hooo! apparently the town i live in has actually not seen so much rain in over 100 years. so yes. i am extremely happy about this.
p.s. i am taking 4 gleevec pills a day now. withOUT the anti nausea meds!!!! sooooooooo excited!! lets see if i can keep that up!
did YOU guys have a good weekend?