Run Shadow RUN!

I have a natural tendency to only pursue my dreams based off of my tumor-ey body's limitations. I allow this ailment to go beyond the tangible, yet microscopic chromosomal deficiency and let it seep into something beyond the physical world and into the functionality of my spirit and mind. Reluctantly giving it reign over my heart and dreams and unless fought for could set a change far from microscopic in the way my story would be told. All because my spirit surrendered the right to its freedom.

As my tumors and pain grow, it is easy to allow my expectations of my life and dreams slip away. Every morning when I wake, my legs feel so much pressure and numbness as if they are trapped under a cement truck. This is HARD to ignore when I need to get out of bed for any reason at all, let alone for anything concerning Tumor Hater. Because then I start to question myself. "How could Tumor Hater be successful with this body backing it up"? "How can I do anything with this body?" It is then that the gusto of my spirit shrivels back down inside of this tumor-ey shell.

My spirit is strong and courageous. But my body is weak and fragile. Quite a contrasting pair, but I feel that maybe they are a perfect fit. That one could not be without the other, that my spirit got its courage and strength through these bodily challenges. For there has constantly been a resistance holding my spirit back, a challenge of pain or heartache to push against. My spirit has to lean into the struggle to go anywhere. Building resilience as it gets pushed back. And then strength as it drives forward again, back and forth, but gaining ground. Moving farther and farther across the enemy lines, gaining freedom as it goes.

Like Peter Pan and his shadow. This shadow wants to be wild and free, go where he may and not be limited to stick with where Peters body will take him, so the shadow breaks free from Peter never wanting to return. But as this story goes, Peter eventually catches him and sews him to his feet to ensure this captivity.

I feel like all humanity is born with imaginations that take our hopes and dreams sky high. As we grow older and no squirrels have talked to us and we can't fly with an umbrella on a windy day, our expectations on life get a bit smaller. The older we get, the confusion or sadness against failed expectations can cause us to stay closed up tightly in a shell of safety afraid to let our spirit and our dreams soar. So we pull a Peter and sew it tightly to the bottoms of our feet. We "play it safe" so our hearts and pride don't get hurt in the risk of pursuing our dreams. But I have found that when I go for it and don't fear the struggle, but rather I push against it, whatever it may be, a proof is unveiled that I was made to be free. That I was made to 'push against it'. That freedom doesn't play it safe and is only gained by battle, only gained by one overcoming another's resistance. I refuse to forfeit my passions to the pains of my body and to the persuasive shell of safety. Because safety holds no freedom and my heart only wants to live in an open space. Like a free roaming shadow, living solely on soul. Free from the chains that attach us to these shells. Though there may be struggle I will push until triumph. Because I was made to live in freedom beyond enemy lines.

a year ago today...

Look out!!
Here comes a plethora of pictures capturing the surgery and the first few months to follow...I cant say it enough. I couldn't be where I am today with out these amazing people in my life. 



A year ago today, I timidly laid out on a surgery table unprepared for the change that awaited me. Just a life, as fragile as yours surrendered to a team of doctors that confidently held their tools. These men and women were armed and ready to rid me of one of my nasty tumors, "the creeper" to be exact.
I would never have guessed to wake up in the unspeakable pain that I experienced. OR waking up to learn that I nearly died while under the knife. -While removing the part of the tumor that was wrapped around the artery, they accidentally slit the artery and within a minute (said the doc) I had already lost nearly 40% of my blood. But by Gods divine appointment, there was a vascular surgeon doing surgery next door. He came in, found the slit, and saved my life. My order for morphine was delayed because of this fiasco until about 30 minutes after waking up. OH THE PAIN!
Through the next few months of recovery, I was surprised that I wasn't beginning to feel better than I did before surgery. In fact, I started feeling more pain than ever. I started having spasms in my hips and low back that would shoot all the way to my toes, feeling like a bolt of electricity. A couple more months passed and nothing improved. I was supposed to be going back to work, yet I couldn't sit in a chair or stand for even a minimal time period without these spasms starting. I knew I could no longer work, thus began the journey of applying for long term disability and truly coming to terms with where my tumors have taken me. I knew one day my tumors would bring me to this. But I never thought I would be 'disabled' at 27.
One of the hardest things in life I would say, is realizing our lack of control. Especially when that fact is thrown at our face. We think we have at least a sense of it when all of a sudden, BAM. Life changes and everything is unfamiliar. Just like a baby is born into the world screaming and crying, nobody likes change. We like staying comfortable, warm and snugly in the womb of familiarity. But change is standard procedure for things to move forward. This past year I have had so much ripped from underneath me. Changes in my life and more pain in my tumors that I have resisted to accept as my new normal. Though I have grown so much this past year, I'm still not used to this yet.
I know that there is purpose in pain. Not at all like I am comparing my life to Jesus'. But there is something sacred in that pain Jesus endured on the cross. In order for us to be saved...death was required. Pain was required. There was purpose in the pain of Jesus and that was made within the beauty of His resurrection and the new life that brings. This beautiful purpose far outweighs the necessary pain and death that Jesus endured on the cross. So as I have daily chronic pain, I choose to trust there is a purpose far more beautiful than any pain I could ever feel. And I choose to live within that beauty.

let hope arise

1) My family and friends are the best thing I could ever ask or wish for. They make me never want to give up my fight. Thank you all for helping inspire the hope within me.


We all know 'hope' is important. Have you ever seriously considered just how important?
We have all thrown around the phrase 'I'm losing hope'. Or even worse 'I've lost all hope'. But what I have realized, that hope, more than a feeling...is part of our bones. Our genetic make-up. It's human nature. It is a survival instinct. It is a will.
You see, picture this. A man or a woman or YOU claims to have lost ALL HOPE. That there is no reason to live. Then (picture this) a hungry lion started running after them, or you. What do you think they or you would do? Lay there and let the lion dine because there is "no reason to live"? I sure don't think so. I'm sure in part, this 'hopeless' persons fight would be because a lion eating you would hurt like crazy, but also to live, to survive. But my point is...you don't have a chance in a FIGHT against a lion, but you are still going to fight. And that right there is some CRAZY hope.
I believe that when we face our biggest obstacles in life, we must have hope to survive. When our lives are threatened hope arises within us. And we find strength we did not know we had.
Since hope in a life or death situation is vital to survive. Whats the difference in day to day living? Hope in the day to day not only gives you a 'mental' survival but it puts life in your living.
We need to live every day as if it is life or death living. Life is a gift, always. A lion chasing us, or a cancer diagnosis shouldn't have to occur until we live with hope and courage. Until we start 'grabbing life by the horns' and being this hero that we all have inside of us.
Don't listen to the negativity of the world. Don't listen to your haters. Don't listen to self doubt or your fears. I believe we are all here to do amazing things. Listen to your bones. Listen to the hope that you have deep inside you and let it move your forward. You haven't lost hope. You have just practiced for far to long not to listen to it anymore. Stop that. Control what you can in life. Hope is one of those things that is up to us.

Hope gives life. Hope gives faith in our journey.
Blow off the dust of doubt and let your hope arise.

thankful, to say the least.

JUST SOME OF THE AMAZING PHOTO'S FROM TUMOR HATER'S PHOTO SHOOT! 
this first photo means a lot to me, it wasn't taken for the website but just for me personally. being held up by friends, family and community; a perfect visual of what you all have been for me (p.s. those bulges on my arms are some of my nasty tumors). some of the other photos you will see on the website...go check it out! oh and that black and white one of me and my man is just for me too. =)




Hey guys! Guess what? One of the local news stations around town did an interview on me for an update on my health but also for Tumor Hater inc! So exciting. I am so thankful for the support that I have through my community for my own condition and also for Tumor Hater inc! Click here to watch that interview! SUPER EXCITING!!!
Oh ALSO, Tumor Hater's website photo shoot by visualize photography is now up! Click here to check out all of the amazing work that this company did for free. Keep up to date with their work on facebook and like their company page here.
If you missed it before the company that did my website, my tee shirts, and business cards for FREEE is forte creative, website here, facebook page here.
These companies did not do this to get recognized...but I really want you to recognize them. They deserve it. They deserve to be loved on like they have loved on me. Go to their page and show them some love. If you are a local company that needs help or a family needing pictures do business with THEM. They have my complete approval! =)
I have been so blown away by so many people around town donating their time and services for me and Tumor Hater inc. Proving again how powerful community is. Thank you every one who has helped me and for all who keep up with Tumor Hater inc and my condition. I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could properly convey how much you all have done for me. Ya'll love on me so well. You give me courage to fight and help me not lose hope in my future. You believe in me, and not only have you stood behind me as I face my own tumors; but now you are standing with me as a fellow fighter as we begin to face tumors nation wide. That is huge. It brings me to tears. Your love and support has been a constant reminder that my pain has a value and purpose....if I allow it.

Yahoo Shine

i was nominated to win $10,000 through a competition online. its called 'women who shine'. i am totally honored that i would even be thought of as a woman who shines, let alone being nominated to win some prize for it. i have been reading up on some of the other nominee's and i am so inspired by their stories. it is so cool that there are so many people out there who have fought a good fight yet still remain positive. or who give there time and heart despite their own situations. who love others, just because that is who they are. it is pretty mind blowing to see my story amongst theirs.

to my understanding this is how it works: there are 8 categories. i was placed in the 'activist' category. their will be 8 winners (probably 1 from each category) first place wins 10,000 and the other 7 get their story published (in a magazine i think). i think this is an incredible opportunity for me. of COURSE winning 10,000 would be incredible. but you know what id do with that money? id pay for my upcoming MRI's that i need to have done. i now have no insurance and no job. soooo. pretty hurting for some money. i have applied for disability through my old job (still waiting to hear back from them) and i applied through social security. i was denied from them...but i have written an appeal and i am HOPING that i get it. cuz THEN i can get on the oregon health plan (medical insurance). and Man oh Pete do i need that!! not only would it be cool to win some money, but it would also be incredible to get my story written and get word out about my non profit. i really do want to help hundreds, wait who am i kidding? i want to help thousands of people. i want to see the world decorated in tumor hater gear. i really don't think that's too much to ask =) so the more the word is spread about tumor hater inc. the better!!

i am not saying that i deserve to win. not in the slightest. but i am asking for you to vote. for me, and/or for another deserving person. check out the other nominee's. these ladies are incredible. be inspired and SHINE!
click here to vote for me. thank you!

and guess what?? the website for tumor hater has been launched!! click here to check it out! i am stoked outta my mind for everything that is to come!!
in other news;
check out my you tube channel here, i have added a few more videos. i am hoping that Ellen will somehow hear of my story and have me on her show. it would be a dream come true if she helped me launch this non profit! so if you want to share the videos with your family and friends and everyone else in the world, please do!! i would LOVE that!
and i know this is random but...watch the cutest funniest cat alive here...Maru the cat has his own YouTube channel and makes me cry laughing so hard. feel free to go through that whole channel. i hope it makes you as happy as it makes me. i LOVE that cat.

tumor hater and an 'i love ellen' rant

Pics and STUFF
1) i have a YouTube channel, here is my first video...filming thanks to my friends Winstin Tao and Jo & Andy Evins, editing thanks to Gordon Casey. 2) me and my couch named Ellen, just hanging out and having awesome chats. 3&4) just dreaming of being on Ellen's season 10. 5) a community of hero's at the website photo shoot for Tumor Hater inc. 6) hangin with the cutest haters around. 7) i hate so hard.

so.......i love Ellen.

how could one not? i even sort of named my couch 'Ellen' because its a dream of mine to sit and have a cup of tea with her. and now i get to whenever i want. though surely it isn't the same, its just the closest i may ever get. anyways...Ellen...she has the best heart ever and is 'a complete supporter of the underdog' as Patrick Dempsey said as he made a toast to her on her season 10 premier week. 

she is incredibly inspiring and has been responsible for a majority of my laughter and smiles during the recovery of my most recent surgery in late March. honestly, her smile, her dancing, her glow lit up my room while i laid there unable to do very much for the first few months. the thing is, i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. chances are she has brightened your day too. i know i'm not alone. and that is just about the coolest thing. that she has THAT effect on everyone. although she doesn't know me, she has helped me heal. she has helped me laugh in the midst of so much pain. she has given me more drive to reach out and help other people despite my tumors and pain. though i may be 'recovered' from that surgery in march, i still live in a body covered in tumors that seek to hinder me, my passion, my joy and LIFE.
watching Ellen, is just one of the things that honestly helps me to not give my tumors a fighting chance. i can NOT lose. i refuse. she daily reminds me how amazing it is to help other people, to smile, to dance and to LOVE always. watch her show and look what can happen when just one person extends a helping hand! tumor hater inc will do that for others. that makes me giddy. i also want to inspire and encourage others to love themselves for who they are. as is.
starting this non profit, i honestly feel like i must be crazy. but at the same time, nothing has felt more right. it would be a dreamy dream come true if Ellen helped Tumor Hater inc. if she could help spread the word,  anything. even just SAY 'tumor hater' would probably make my heart fall out my butt.
do you want to help this dream come true? not only would it just be rad to meet her, it would be...hmmm...insaine(?) incredible(?) freaking awesome(?) to have her stand behind tumor hater inc and what we believe. at tumor hater inc we believe in the importance of community coming alongside those in need to help them with the tumor-ey obstacles life can bring by providing financial assistance and emotional support.
share this video. share this post. share tumor hater's faceboook page. share share share. Ellen has multiple ways to be contacted. twitter, facebook, her website. she also has staff that you can contact, like jeannie, amy and andy! whether this reaches Ellen or not, the more people that know about Tumor Hater inc the more people can be helped. please help spread the word. spread the love, spread the hate.
Tumor Hater inc's website is almost ready, until then visit and 'like' our face book page!
also, if you are interested in getting your hate on, 'tumor hater' style and you have a PayPal...here is how you can get yourself some tumor hater gear...(obviously once the website is up, you can order from there, but until then, if you are interested...)
log on to your PayPal account
click 'send money'
enter kellysullivan@tumorhater.org into the address box
in the amount box, add up your shirt costs and enter it in. please add 5 dollars to help with shipping.
infant:                                   toddler:                                youth:
6 months-  $12                     2t-        $12                        small-      $15
12 months-$12                     3t-        $12                        medium-  $15
                                            4t-        $12                        large-       $15

women's:                             mens:
xsmall-     $20                      small-     $20
small-       $20                      medium- $20
medium-   $20                      large-     $20
large-       $20                      xlarge-    $20
xlarge-     $20                      xxlarge-  $20
xxlarge-   $20


in the details, write in what shirts you need and include the address where you want it to go.
and TA-DA!
you did it! i am pretty dang prompt on getting orders out too. AND id LOVE to see you in your shirt! send a picture of you getting your fierce on, your warrior face...your hater snarl...you get the idea to kellysullivan@tumorhater.org and i will post it on tumor haters facebook page!

i am hoping to raise a nice chunk of money to be able to cut someone a check by thanksgiving. lets do this guys!

P.S. The PayPal/donate button on THIS blog is NOT, i repeat IS NOT for tumor hater inc. the PayPal on the left side of your screen is to help pay for my own medical bills.

thank you every one for your support and for all of your love. i am SERIOUSLY blown away by all of you guys. not only have i been incredibly supported with my own tumor-ey adventure, you guys have also supported this non profit endeavor of mine and i am forever grateful!
xoxo

it is well

1) LOVE this song... 2) got my business cards!! thank you Forte creative for doing such an amazing job on them!! 3) being intimidating... get yo tickets ya'll.


 
when things are going well, we seem to dismiss the Lords presence in it, when things are hard, we ask "why have you forsaken me Lord?" in either scenario, we are not recognizing the true presence of the Lord.
when things are hard, it is so challenging to look past what is so easily seen, to feel past what is so easily felt. the hard. the pain. the hurt. the tears. but what i have found, is that looking past my pain and brokenness is the only way of survival. the only way to escape depression and a life wrapped in self pity and self centered-ness, which i don't believe is truly LIVING. when i look past 'why ME?' i am set free. i am free and i am welcomed to go after a life that has no limits or boundaries.
i know that i wasn't born to serve myself. so everything that happens to me (whether it brings smiles or tears) i must believe that it has only happened in order for it to help me reach my fullest potential and reach and inspire more people. but i must set aside this "life" that i feel like i have some sort of right to. you know, a life that's easy to smile through. the life of that one person that you sort of envy, cuz they just seem to have butterflies and rainbows follow them. i don't know if i will ever be able to let those desires go. but what has proven to be true every single time, is that when i start off my day with a 'why me' i can so quickly be overcome with depression. and on the contrary, when i feel a spasm, or my legs starts to throb from the numbness whatever the case may be. when i don't think of ME, when my heart opens and i hear God in it, and what He has to tell me through it, i feel so strong. the pain doesn't depress me, it is STILL there...but when my mind changes from 'why me' to 'whatever your will Lord' my heart changes from 'victim' to 'victor'.
lately, the tumors in my sciatic nerves are starting to cause my legs to get weaker and weaker. the pain is all the way from my hips to my ankles. throbbing, numbness, burning, sharp stabbing pains. im getting it all. a couple of days ago i was having one of the worst pain days EVER. no joke. i was driving home cutting a day of errands short because i was beginning to get dizzy every time my legs would spasm (i actually was only able to get one errand done). this pain felt like a shock of electricity running down my legs, it was nuts. despite this pain i went to the grocery store to get a couple items, i didn't want to be completely useless because of the pain, besides, i only needed 3 items. arriving at the grocery store i grabbed a cart and took extremely short and slow steps the whole time. i was glared at and was flashed numerous confused faces. well, probably because i was talking to myself. truth be told. i was talking to my tumors. i told them that i hate them. that they do not have victory in my life and they never will. that they will not weaken my passion. every time the pain bolted down my legs i said 'right NOW victory is mine, its already mine, you wont tear me down' it was a constant conversation the whole time at the store. i felt silly doing it but it was necessary to grab hold of my thoughts and to claim victory in my life during that time of feeling completely weak and helpless in my body. i took hold and control of the only thing i could, my thoughts. i know i must have looked like a bit of a freak but it was an extremely powerful moment for me. for the rest of the day, instead of feeling powerless over my tumors, i felt like i conquered them. i had victory in their greatest power over me; my hope. that is all that matters anyway. more than zero tumors. more than pain free, i want hope.
when i have hope, i have joy. when i have hope, i have peace. when i have hope, i have passion. therefore, when i have hope...i have victory. i trust the Lord enough to know, without any reservation that He is good. as i focus on His goodness and trust Him, i have an empowering hope for my future. my worries fade, and it is well. whatever comes my way, it is well in my soul.

when peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
it is well, it is well, with my soul.