weekend with families

1) cutest lil thing in the world! 2) i absolutley LOVE fireplaces....real ones. 3) hanna and i on the deck! she is such an amazing doggie! look at her eyes, they are two different colors! 4) my parents and i out on the golf course. 5) my man did WELL. 6) us on the cart. sooo much fun! =)

last weekend was a double whammy fathers day with my man and i. on friday we went to eli's family's cabin at the lake for the night. while eli was out fishing and doing other manly things with his dad, his mom and i stayed inside and read in front of the fire, made dinner, desert and did other womanly things. well, she actually did all the cooking stuff. all i did was help peel apples, kept the kitchens wood stove going for warmth cuz it was freeeezing and kept the dishes clean. it was sooo much fun to be up at the cabin with just his parents and i! it rained almost all saturday, but it didn't matter. we all enjoyed ourselves completely.
sunday eli and i celebrated fathers day with MY family. we went out golfing with my parents and then out to dinner. i drove a cart and i guess you could say that i'm not the best cart driver. i sort of skidded out a few times...almost hit a tree, and my parents cart. i wasn't paying too much attention to the path because mr eli looked so darn cute in his golfing clothes i couldn't help to stare at him while he sat next to me! ;)
i know this is a week late, but... i hope everyone else had a great fathers day weekend!
ps. i emptied my second bottle of gleevec, and still no anti nausea meds! yahooo!!

tumor hater went over seas

a few months ago someone contacted me for an interview for a magazine. i was beside myself and eagerly accepted the opportunity. a couple weeks ago i received my copy and i have gotta say, it is a little weird to see myself on a magazine. i have received some very sweet emails from those in the UK that read my story....and.....purchases. so NOW tumor hater is over seas. so exciting!


it is pretty surreal to me how much has changed in the past 6 months. 6 months ago i decided i would except my tumors in a new way. i wanted to be more open about my emotions with the tumor-ey side of me. I began to love myself even though i have tumors. i began to believe i was love-able even though my future is unclear. yes, 'began', 6 months ago. i believe that one can not fully love another until they love themselves. loving myself regardless of my 'details' has been one of the best blessings ever and for the first time in my life i am so excited about my future. i am no longer going to sit back and let life slip away because i have tumors. in fact these tumors are the driving force behind my passions. it is a daily, hourly battle to adjust how i think of my tumors. and believe me, i have been constantly fighting this battle no matter how secure i sound on this blog. it is ruff! but i have a choice, we all do. i don't want my tumors to cripple my mind. they can take away my nerve function and cause pain, but it is up to me if they take away my heart and soul and that is what really matters anyways.

purple hair...?

pic 1) me with my victory, gleevec bottle one DONE! pic 2) i wanted you to get a closer look at this hair of mine. my reverse mullet. ladies and gentleman meet my boy hair. boy hair meet everyone. no matter how long this hair gets, i will forever call it my boy hair. pic 3) for those of you who don't know me too well, i wanted to share with you that i LOVE tjmaxx. the one in eugene oregon is my favorite. it just may be my favorite place on earth? id rather go here than disney land. this is MY happiest place on earth (even though i may only make a purchase of 1 or 2 items...this place gives me butterflies no matter what my wallet looks like) anyways, i can even get my hair products there, win! pic 4) i went over to my parents house the other day to visit....rudy. rudy-bega. i love you mom and jim, but you both know i'm obsessed with rudy booty and i missed my little fuzz bucket. love him...soo much! cant you see why?

gleevec bottle numero uno is down! EMPTY! oh what a victory. still not taking anti nausea meds. who cares if i was throwing up all tuesday morning. i'm not taking them again unless i throw up 2+ days in a row. why? cuz i'm tuff (stubborn).
i've been thinking. my tumors dwell in my body. my body one day will die. my tumors will die too. my soul however, will not. my tumors are just a detail of my body. a detail should not define me. just like my body should not define me. nor should yours define you. don't let this worlds terrible idea of what our bodies should look like rule your life. image is such a waste of time. our bodies image is the least of who we are. or at least they should be. be healthy (obviously). love your self. love others. don't let your size or shape hold your happiness. don't be tricked into thinking that your tumors, your cancer, your "defects" or your family should define you or make you less of a person. there is a way that we can take the hard things in life and turn them into good. we all have the opportunity to live a joyful life. its all about perspective. don't pity yourself. don't be your biggest enemy. it was never my tumors that held me back. it isn't my dads fault, or my sisters death. it wasn't these things that have given me complexes that held me back, it was me. don't be your biggest enemy. it is ALWAYS up to us to decide our happiness. if you cant find anything to be happy about today, find something simple and focus on it. like -->this<-- video. it HAS to make you laugh. don't focus on the bad. let go of the bad, forgive and become the YOU that you are dying to be!

ps. my hair stylist says that my boy hair is sort of growin in purplish. neat huh? maybe i'm an alien.

short and sweet

i went to a baby shower saterday for a friend from highschool. she is having twins! how fun! lemme just say that THIS baby shower was straight out of a martha stewart magazine. it was perfecTo. adorable. just....unbelievable. from our hand made napkins, to the amazing jelly jars (that i guess are called 'mason jars') we drank out of, to all of the homemade treats. my words will never do justice. nor will these pictures.
pic 1) some of us at the par-tay. left to right. nikki, rachel MEGAN (and babies) me and amanda. what are all those close pins doing on my shirt you ask? oh i collected them from guests when they said the word 'cute' it was a game. i was good. i won. people actually started surrendering there own clothes pin when they realized they didnt stand a chance against me. muaa-ha-ha-haaa. pic 2) the beautiful mamma to be. now i see the 'glow' they talk about. dont you? pic 3) my cute little mason jar drink! 4) paper puff balls. i want these all over the place, all of the time. wouldnt life be more fun if these were everywhere? light posts. telephone lines. trees in the park. you get the picture. it would make your everyday life a big party. pic 5 and 6) Sunday june 5th would have been my sisters 28th birthday. my boyfriend and i drove out to put flowers on her grave. sunflowers were her favorite. it was hard for me to have him take these pictures. it was like i was taking a picture with her...for the first time in 11 years.


so grateful for my friends and family. could i ever say that enough? this week was so nice and relaxing and now the weekend is over. phooo-e. i am actually really looking forward to my new work schedule that starts this week. and the SUN that is supposedly making its arrival to our area starting thursday! wa-hooo! apparently the town i live in has actually not seen so much rain in over 100 years. so yes. i am extremely happy about this.
p.s. i am taking 4 gleevec pills a day now. withOUT the anti nausea meds!!!! sooooooooo excited!! lets see if i can keep that up!
did YOU guys have a good weekend?

hard to swallow

1) i want or need this giant coffee cup, not sure which of the two. 2) addi and i at her sisters first coffee shop concert. 3) addi's other sister chelsea and i getting our grub on. 4) deeelish. pretty sure this is what will be served at the gates of heaven (if they had a welcome snack)...next time i must try with chocolate or yogurt covered pretzels. 5) i carry this with me everywhere. rubbermaid. liter. green. pop top that stays open when you drink and doesn't smack your nose. DOESN'T LEAK. bpa free. $4.00. 6) this little gal is my friends daughter, she makes me feel like a million bucks. love her SOOO much! here we are at her preschool graduation!

i've got some confessing to do:

after i was on gleevec for a week, i went into my doc appointment for blood work and a weigh in. sort of how wrestlers are really careful with their weight, we have to be careful with my weight on the gleevec. appaaaaarently there are some possible deadly side effects of gleevec...one in which is severe fluid retention. click here to read about all side effects. confession; i gained 5 lbs in a week. my excuse is that it was the day after easter...of course there's an extra 5 lbs, duh. well, the docs didn't like my reasoning so they made me go off of gleevec for a few (6) days. they wanted me to start from scratch and increase my dose at a much slower rate so i would be more likely to tolerate it.
last week i tried to move up to 4 pills a day (after i was only taking 2 a day)...oh boy. i felt like i got ran over by a train. or chuck norris. gleevec also causes bone aches and muscle aches... onTOP of my already aching muscles and nerves. i seriously felt like a 90 year old who got attacked by something that showed no mercy on her. it was terrible. so i moved down to 3 pills.
also, i guess gleevec is a chemo pill. wierd. i didnt know this when i started the trail, i just thought gleevec was like a chemo. i wanted to be sure so i emailed indiana and asked straight up 'am i on cheeemo?' sure enough. i am. super weird. i wont loose my hair from this form of it, yippee! buuuut the gleevec may kill me. sweet right? i don't think it will, so only if you heard my tone. i am being sarcastic. but still....its a bit freaky.
i wanted to share these little details with you guys sooner, but i just wanted to make sure that i was able to tolerate the gleevec before i said anything. indianna said that if i cant maintain my weight then i wont be able to continue the trial. when they told me this my heart sank. i felt like i was allergic to my "armour". its hard to realize that no matter how tuff i think i am...not only are my tumors out of my control, my toleration to gleevec is as well. we are all here only by the mercy of God. i am thankful for my constant reminder of how i am in His hands, even though that reality also shows the depth of my weakness.
so anyways, i bought a scale and a water bottle and stopped pouring salt on my food. i'm drinking at least 2 liters of water a day and peeing every 20 minutes, this combined with my nausea and fatigue...im basically pregnant without ya know, that small detail of a baby.

i got a blogger award!

ladies and gentleman..... I GOT A BLOGGER AWARD! yippeee!

thanks to April who thought I would be worthy of such an award! i ALSO just received it from my favorite gal pal Noi (noelle)!

what is the award you ask? obviously it is the Stylish blogger award!

rules of this award:

thank the one(s) who gave me the award.
list 7 random facts about myself.

pass on the award!

thank you april and noi for passing this award on to me! it means a lot!

7 random facts about me?

1) i have to drink through a straw. preferably bending straws. why? oh because i dribble on myself without straws, bang my teeth on the glass or/and ice falls into my face, its just bad. so, i carry straws with me...and ALWAYS ask for a straw at restaurants. why do you think it is that they NEVER give you a straw when you just order water, but you nearly always get a straw when you order a soda? drives me NUTS...and please, hold the lemon. you touched that with your fingers.

2) my big toes don't bend in the middle. ouch! don't try to bend them...they don't even have a joint.

3) I LOVE spanish guitar music!! and antonio banderas.... have you seeeeen desperado? click here to listen to some spanish guitar music...the theme song to desperado. i LOVE it.

4) i have a reverse mullet. its from surgery last year. they removed 9 tumors(?) from my head...its getting better. but yea its there...and its awesome.

5) i love to create! no matter what shape or form that is...i LOVE it. i've written songs. books. poems. i have crafted numerous things. i also love to cook and lucky for me, my faithful boyfriend will eat whatever i make, good or bad. =)

6) i have a problem with moderation. sometimes i don't know when to stop. i obsess. i am all or nothing. either my house is spic and span or its a mess. and if i know i cant do something perfect, i don't try at all. definite moderation/perfectionist problem. life problem. right now, my house is a mess....i would take a picture and show you but i am too ashamed. its bad. (im sooo cleaning after this post)

7) i have (semi)secretly wanted to model for a while now. it will never happen. but i have played around with the idea, was signed with an agency for a extreeeeeemly short while. why not? first of all...i am not tall enough for it, i'm only 5'71/2. secondly, my moderation problem. i would obsess over it. i would make working out and my eating habits rule me, and i definitely don't want to live life with THAT as my main focus. so instead i will live vicariously through the gals on america's next top model. here's a couple shots i have had.

i had a fun time trying to think of the random-est of facts for you. i hope that they didn't bore you!

so now who do i pass on the stylish blogger award to? thats EASY!

disclosure: i think 'style' comes in more shapes than fashion.

1) i would have to say michelle's blog is the blog that inspires me most. a few of her friends put it together for her december of 2010 when michelle was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. michelle was only 20 years old when she was diagnosed. this blog was created to help raise money for michelles medical bills and also to encourage her and her family through the road that was and still is before them. this blog has touched my heart and i am sure it will touch yours as well.

2) addi cakes! addi is a dear friend of mine who writes about the beauty that life has to offer. from fashion, to her artwork, travels with family, new recipe's and all of the above. this is a look into life through the eyes of someone recovering from an eating disorder as she takes a step back and looks at life in a whole new way. i am sooo greatful to have her in my life.

3) jessica's blog is a blog that i SOOO aspire to be like! it is so organized. its perfect. she even blogs daily! in the early morning!! oh how i wish i could be more dedicated like her. i have commitment issues i think. anyways, jessica's blog is so much fun to read. we have a mutual friend and jessica used to serve me my coffee at starbucks! this blog is about, as her subtitle reads 'where personal life meets style'. she talks about some daily happenings, whats on her mind, and what she wore that day! simple stuff...but written in a way that is quirky and addicting. this blog makes you happy. daily.

4) megan would also have to be a recipient of this award. she always makes me laugh. if we are hanging out, texting or talkin on the phone...this woman is entertaining. i love reading her blog and hearing her views on life. she is a wife, a mom with a bun in the oven and she is a dear friend to me. this my friends, is the woman who makes my tears floooow when she sings. her voice is powerful her heart is huge and her love is thick. love her.

5) kristi and 3 of her 5 children have neurofibromatosis. she writes about herself and her children's life with NF. she is very vulnerable and informative with what it is like to have NF. she is also an author! something that i aspire to be. i love her love and dedication to her children.

6) last but most CERTAINLY not least. bailey, bailey is one of krisi's (above) daughters who has NF and has just started chemo nearly 2 months ago to help shrink a tumor in her brain. this is a look into the life of a child with NF. these are HER posts. and HER thoughts. she is so very wise, and is so blessed to have such an amazing family. take a look, her positive attitude and her perspective of her circumstance should make you really step back and look at your life more humbly and with more appreciation.

thanks again april and noi for the award. i had a lot of fun giving it back to the world of bloggers.

the tuff part of indianna

pic 1. in the waiting room before it all began. pic 2. this was my last area of tests that day, they were checking my lung function in the pulmonary department. i was hooked up all over the place with different patches. the last series of pictures is me trying to get my pill down. i wanted to forever have that moment captured so as wierd as it was to take pictures of myself as i was emotional, i did it. i would have to say it also really helped me through the process.

for about three weeks before i flew to indiana i was so nervous that i felt sick to my stomach constantly. i wasn't nervous for the flight. i wasn't nervous to be in a hospital or that i have to take a pill or two....i was nervous because i HAVE to take pills every single day. i have been prescribed a wide variety of different drugs for my pain. vicodin, neurontin, amytriptoline, nortriptoline, oxycodine, and a couple others i cant remember the name of. obviously i have pain. sometimes, crazy teeth clenching passing out sort of pain; but i have a really hard time taking pills. i do not want to get addicted. they have all been mind altering. which is the worst. you also become immune to it, so eventually you need to change drugs or increase your dose. there was actually a time for about 4 years that i quit taking anything and would just pray instead and honestly, i had less pain then than ever before.
the thought of taking up to 7 pills a day put this dark cloud over me as well as a twisting nauseating feeling in my stomach. of course there is that awesome sunshine of hope for the reason i am taking gleevec that tried to break through that dark cloud. but nothing would settle my stomach.
during the first few days i was in indiana i was still having these major dizzy/gonna throw up spells. it was embarrassing and really inconvenient which started to make me really frustrated. lucky for me i was distracted by my lovely bible college friends that i got to visit, my mom, and bricks. bricks were everywhere! bricks made beautiful homes, roads and sidewalks. they were amazing!! on the day of my appointment(s), these bricks led me to the university of indiana. sort of like in the wizard of oz, how the yellow brick road led to the emerald city. well, riley's clinic is my emerald city and dr. robertson is my wizard.
my mom and i were at the hospital for 11 hours. cindy and dr robertson took such great care of us. like i have never had before. i had a pet scan, i had a full body mri and i had to do a few pulmonary function tests. we also met up with dr robertson when it was all over and he went over some results with me. i was eager to find out about big bertha's growth. he said she grew a little bit. a few centimeters. however, this is not enough growth to explain why i am out of breath so frequently. he suggested it may be my lung function becoming weaker because of all the tumors i have in my spine. this really freaks me out. my lungs becoming weaker because of the tumors on my nerves? so these tumors can eventually paralyze my lungs? i was too afraid to ask this question. but what else could that mean? if my lungs could be weaker from tumors, then what does that mean for my lungs as these tumors grow? just as my vocal cord did, i'm sure that means my nerves controlling my lungs can be paralyzed as well.
i don't remember much else that we talked about. i was in a daze. i had only eaten a tiny energy bar in the morning, and i was fully ready to be in bed. cindy and dr robertson handed me my drugs and a pillow pet, and said their goodbyes.
after my mom and i arrived back at our hotel we showered, ate dinner, and turned out the lights. my mom fell asleep quickly. i stayed awake, knowing i had to take a pill. my first pill. this was such a battle in the mind for me. once i took my first pill it would be like i am submitting to a drug. like i am accepting that i have a disease all over again. accepting my tumors (twice a day). accepting i am too weak to fix it. that i am not in control. that i am relying on a drug. oh, it killed! it took me nearly an hour to get the pill down. i sat there staring at the pill. examining it. crying over it. glaring at it. allowing it to come near my mouth....then taking it away again. i knew that this was a huge moment for me. so i documented it with pictures. taking the pictures sort of lightened the mood and somehow helped me through the process. i would have to say that once i got it down, i felt at peace. the initial step was torture. i know this probably sounds crazy, but once i swallowed it down; i felt like i was a warrior princess in the front lines. i had a shield and a sword, and was covered in armour. i was ready to fight against my nasty army of tumors and i celebrated that moment with my pillow pet.
i am so thankful that i have been excepted into this trial. i am taking my pills twice a day, slowly increasing my dose. gleevec makes me severely nauseated so i am also taking an anti nausea med which helps with that a bit. i am proud to say that when i take these pills i don't feel like i am taking a 'drug' like i feared. i feel like i am taking medicine. taking 'hope', a chance. so much of the battle is in the mind. i am so proud that i have conquered this one.
now only if my tumors were just in my mind.