Self Hate Eclipsed

1) Me in my absolute favorite shirt! It is the first of our 'Love First' collection for Tumor Hater! It is the perfect visual representation for what Tumor Hater was founded upon! I am in love with it!
2) Some of my MRI's showing some of my tumors. All of the white is tumor. So crazy and so dumb.
3-10) These capture precious moments from our Tumor Hater Christmas Party for our most recent hero Jorge and his family. From he and his brother Hernan receiving their Tumor Hater Hero capes to meeting Santa and Spider-Man and then of course, the presentation of the $7,610 check. 
Thank you to EVERYONE that made this Tumor Hater Christmas possible. To Spider-Man and Santa Claus. And of course to Sarah, Sarandipidy salon and all of their amazing clients that participated in the Hero Tree and giving these boys an incredible Christmas to remember with all of your generous gifts!



So, here is something that I am super nervous to open up about but I feel like it is important that I do so. By exposing this darkness within me, I can only be allowing room for light and therefor growth and healing.
Sometimes I want to hate my body. My BODY, my CORE, my genetic makeup is what constantly creates these tumors. So at times I am tempted to hate the body that makes them. Its a temptation and a battle that I have yet to completely conquer and put behind me. I notice that when I hate it, I hide it. I make it suffer because its like I believe it deserves nothing good. This betrayal I feel from my body has deep roots that strangle my freedom. My vulnerability and authenticity is buried even from myself when this hatred shows stronger than hope.
Sometimes I feel like I am more tumor than human. That I am pain, that I am more desperate than satisfied. That my identity is in pain rather than triumph, that it is in struggle rather than progress. At times I don't fully know how to feel regarding the pro vs the con. And I feel terribly guilty because of these feelings of self hate. Guilty from the temptation to delve into the 'con' of things and then to sit in the pit for days, or weeks.
When I feel self hate: My insides...my chromosomes are set up to be a tumor producing sweatshop. I feel infested. I feel disgusting. My body feels like it is in a daily triathlon/iron man competition that I was accidentally signed up for. Proving to me constantly how weak it is and is becoming. It dangles 'weak' in front of my face. I can't escape it, I live inside of weakness…of infestation…of pain…of less than. My dreams just don't seem like they can be accomplished in this body.
When I feel guilt: Guilty is mercy in disguise and always comes knocking at the door when self hate seeps back through these scars. I know truth, but I don't always live within it. Having 'guilt' alone proves that I know I am more than what I believe when I self hate, otherwise why would I feel guilt? But at the same time, guilt cripples. Telling me that I don't deserve Tumor Hater or speaking opportunities or blog readers because I haven't conquered self love and freedom so who am I to inspire?
I hate that sometimes I shun light and follow darkness, and let my afflictions grow louder than the love and mercy that is mine for the taking. But how can I feel victorious in victory without knowing the pain in the struggle it took to achieve it. How can I be blissfully happy, unless I know the darkest caves of despair? I know to struggle is only human, and is required for growth. I know what is true. I know how I should feel. But that doesn't mean that it comes easy. As I push my mind and heart to be vulnerable, I can learn how to heal those broken pieces that have gone uncared-for for far too long. And in doing so, I learn the not so secret, secret to finding love, healing and beauty among my ashes.
As I love on others with tumors, it makes me realize I also deserve love. It makes me feel like the ache that far surpasses any tumor pain to feel whole will finally come as I love…you. You tiny little girl and boy that know nothing other than a life with doctors appointments, surgeries and chemo. You, you brave woman, who lost your only child…your son. You, you sweet highschooler that only wants to spread joy and inspiration. You, you sweet man that led a community to be changed by your legacy of love. You, you incredible young man who's wisdom far surpasses your age, teaching us about happiness. As I learn these stories. The love and light that seeps from them…lands perfectly on my broken pieces. And I feel love. My brokenness is eclipsed by your beauty, your bravery, and the glory that shines from you and I feel whole.
True empowering hope can only come when it is all you have, when you have known loss and have had to depend on it for survival. My self hate leaves a mess of me, leaves me in darkness, broken and feeling alone. While there is a time for mourning and sadness, I do not believe there is a time for self hate. Understandable feelings, perhaps yes. But we must find a way out of that darkness. There are others there…search around you will find a hand. Grab a hold of it and walk together toward the light. When I have looked beyond myself, beyond my lacks and losses, it is then that I find healing. Holding your hand. Hearing your story. Just being human. And I am reminded, darkness does not actually exist, it is nothing but the absence of light. There is light and love all around you, seeking it out does not negate your pain and tragedies. It only reveals a reflection of your light that lies within. A light that can be stoked to live and love beyond the burn.

Freedom in pain.

Pain teaches me so much about freedom. And if I let it, if I choose to feel past the pain; my pain can give me more freedom than I could ever have without it. My burden of pain is light, for it is because of my pains I see my freedom. I am not saying you are doing it wrong if you don't feel a freedom by yours. Im just saying pain doesn't come without an ultimate glory. The pain and death Jesus experienced on the cross was made glorified by his resurrection and the freedom it created for you and me. The process for this freedom took death, burial and resurrection; but because of it, I know ultimately that all pain, when tied with glory creates an unimaginable freedom. 

For a long time now, this word freedom has been intensely pressing on my heart. It is such an important state of mind, state of being, state of healing. I want nothing more than to live in the freedom of Jesus Christ. I am learning to envelope freedom, not in spite my pain, but because of it. And as I do, I am learning that freedom doesn't just fall onto me. It is me. When I say 'I am free', I don't mean a point of limitless location. I mean I have limitless identification. I am free, it is stitched onto me. I am free, just as I am me. I am Kelly, I am free.

I understand how easy it is to believe that if you are sick or have a chronic illness that you may not be as free as those without illness. Or if your circumstances are hard…or unbearable that you may not feel you are as free as those that live seemingly easy lives. But freedom doesn't come once your sickness goes away. Once you get a boyfriend or girlfriend. Once you get your dream job. Once you get married or have kids. That isn't freedom nor will it create freedom. Freedom doesn't attach itself to tangible things. Freedom attaches itself to souls and to hearts of those that dare to believe it is theirs to take. For those that believe they are worthy of it. For those that are brave enough, courageous enough to allow themselves to become freedom. 

Pain is a constant to me, putting my weakness on constant display for my soul to be shaken. My pain offers a prison, hopelessness and a coffin for my dreams. I have been there, and struggle to not let that be my day to day. But on the contrary, what my pain has also shown me is, if their is a prison there is also a freedom. And just as deep and dark prison can be, there is an exact opposite of immense freedom. There is an equal counterpart, its just up to me for which side of the bars I will be.

We see what we want to see. If your in the stage of having a baby, all you see is pregnant women. If you really want a certain type of car, all you see are those cars around town. If you are a negative Nancy, all you see is negative things. If you believe you are in a prison, and just out of reach of your dreams… then it won't matter if it is right in front of your face. You won't ever get there. You will think of reasons as to why you can't, or why you aren't good enough for them. However, if you see yourself as FREE. If you take on this limitless identification, then you see nothing that stands in the way of victory. 

Fear paints these invisible bars around us, but through faith we have freedom that destroys restriction and offers more than you can ever imagine. Fear is an illusion that keeps us from faith. Yet we heed to its instruction and let it guide our way. Let faith be the leader of the things unseen and watch fear fall apart as we breath life into our dreams.

Run Shadow RUN!

I have a natural tendency to only pursue my dreams based off of my tumor-ey body's limitations. I allow this ailment to go beyond the tangible, yet microscopic chromosomal deficiency and let it seep into something beyond the physical world and into the functionality of my spirit and mind. Reluctantly giving it reign over my heart and dreams and unless fought for could set a change far from microscopic in the way my story would be told. All because my spirit surrendered the right to its freedom.

As my tumors and pain grow, it is easy to allow my expectations of my life and dreams slip away. Every morning when I wake, my legs feel so much pressure and numbness as if they are trapped under a cement truck. This is HARD to ignore when I need to get out of bed for any reason at all, let alone for anything concerning Tumor Hater. Because then I start to question myself. "How could Tumor Hater be successful with this body backing it up"? "How can I do anything with this body?" It is then that the gusto of my spirit shrivels back down inside of this tumor-ey shell.

My spirit is strong and courageous. But my body is weak and fragile. Quite a contrasting pair, but I feel that maybe they are a perfect fit. That one could not be without the other, that my spirit got its courage and strength through these bodily challenges. For there has constantly been a resistance holding my spirit back, a challenge of pain or heartache to push against. My spirit has to lean into the struggle to go anywhere. Building resilience as it gets pushed back. And then strength as it drives forward again, back and forth, but gaining ground. Moving farther and farther across the enemy lines, gaining freedom as it goes.

Like Peter Pan and his shadow. This shadow wants to be wild and free, go where he may and not be limited to stick with where Peters body will take him, so the shadow breaks free from Peter never wanting to return. But as this story goes, Peter eventually catches him and sews him to his feet to ensure this captivity.

I feel like all humanity is born with imaginations that take our hopes and dreams sky high. As we grow older and no squirrels have talked to us and we can't fly with an umbrella on a windy day, our expectations on life get a bit smaller. The older we get, the confusion or sadness against failed expectations can cause us to stay closed up tightly in a shell of safety afraid to let our spirit and our dreams soar. So we pull a Peter and sew it tightly to the bottoms of our feet. We "play it safe" so our hearts and pride don't get hurt in the risk of pursuing our dreams. But I have found that when I go for it and don't fear the struggle, but rather I push against it, whatever it may be, a proof is unveiled that I was made to be free. That I was made to 'push against it'. That freedom doesn't play it safe and is only gained by battle, only gained by one overcoming another's resistance. I refuse to forfeit my passions to the pains of my body and to the persuasive shell of safety. Because safety holds no freedom and my heart only wants to live in an open space. Like a free roaming shadow, living solely on soul. Free from the chains that attach us to these shells. Though there may be struggle I will push until triumph. Because I was made to live in freedom beyond enemy lines.

a year ago today...

Look out!!
Here comes a plethora of pictures capturing the surgery and the first few months to follow...I cant say it enough. I couldn't be where I am today with out these amazing people in my life. 



A year ago today, I timidly laid out on a surgery table unprepared for the change that awaited me. Just a life, as fragile as yours surrendered to a team of doctors that confidently held their tools. These men and women were armed and ready to rid me of one of my nasty tumors, "the creeper" to be exact.
I would never have guessed to wake up in the unspeakable pain that I experienced. OR waking up to learn that I nearly died while under the knife. -While removing the part of the tumor that was wrapped around the artery, they accidentally slit the artery and within a minute (said the doc) I had already lost nearly 40% of my blood. But by Gods divine appointment, there was a vascular surgeon doing surgery next door. He came in, found the slit, and saved my life. My order for morphine was delayed because of this fiasco until about 30 minutes after waking up. OH THE PAIN!
Through the next few months of recovery, I was surprised that I wasn't beginning to feel better than I did before surgery. In fact, I started feeling more pain than ever. I started having spasms in my hips and low back that would shoot all the way to my toes, feeling like a bolt of electricity. A couple more months passed and nothing improved. I was supposed to be going back to work, yet I couldn't sit in a chair or stand for even a minimal time period without these spasms starting. I knew I could no longer work, thus began the journey of applying for long term disability and truly coming to terms with where my tumors have taken me. I knew one day my tumors would bring me to this. But I never thought I would be 'disabled' at 27.
One of the hardest things in life I would say, is realizing our lack of control. Especially when that fact is thrown at our face. We think we have at least a sense of it when all of a sudden, BAM. Life changes and everything is unfamiliar. Just like a baby is born into the world screaming and crying, nobody likes change. We like staying comfortable, warm and snugly in the womb of familiarity. But change is standard procedure for things to move forward. This past year I have had so much ripped from underneath me. Changes in my life and more pain in my tumors that I have resisted to accept as my new normal. Though I have grown so much this past year, I'm still not used to this yet.
I know that there is purpose in pain. Not at all like I am comparing my life to Jesus'. But there is something sacred in that pain Jesus endured on the cross. In order for us to be saved...death was required. Pain was required. There was purpose in the pain of Jesus and that was made within the beauty of His resurrection and the new life that brings. This beautiful purpose far outweighs the necessary pain and death that Jesus endured on the cross. So as I have daily chronic pain, I choose to trust there is a purpose far more beautiful than any pain I could ever feel. And I choose to live within that beauty.

let hope arise

1) My family and friends are the best thing I could ever ask or wish for. They make me never want to give up my fight. Thank you all for helping inspire the hope within me.


We all know 'hope' is important. Have you ever seriously considered just how important?
We have all thrown around the phrase 'I'm losing hope'. Or even worse 'I've lost all hope'. But what I have realized, that hope, more than a feeling...is part of our bones. Our genetic make-up. It's human nature. It is a survival instinct. It is a will.
You see, picture this. A man or a woman or YOU claims to have lost ALL HOPE. That there is no reason to live. Then (picture this) a hungry lion started running after them, or you. What do you think they or you would do? Lay there and let the lion dine because there is "no reason to live"? I sure don't think so. I'm sure in part, this 'hopeless' persons fight would be because a lion eating you would hurt like crazy, but also to live, to survive. But my point is...you don't have a chance in a FIGHT against a lion, but you are still going to fight. And that right there is some CRAZY hope.
I believe that when we face our biggest obstacles in life, we must have hope to survive. When our lives are threatened hope arises within us. And we find strength we did not know we had.
Since hope in a life or death situation is vital to survive. Whats the difference in day to day living? Hope in the day to day not only gives you a 'mental' survival but it puts life in your living.
We need to live every day as if it is life or death living. Life is a gift, always. A lion chasing us, or a cancer diagnosis shouldn't have to occur until we live with hope and courage. Until we start 'grabbing life by the horns' and being this hero that we all have inside of us.
Don't listen to the negativity of the world. Don't listen to your haters. Don't listen to self doubt or your fears. I believe we are all here to do amazing things. Listen to your bones. Listen to the hope that you have deep inside you and let it move your forward. You haven't lost hope. You have just practiced for far to long not to listen to it anymore. Stop that. Control what you can in life. Hope is one of those things that is up to us.

Hope gives life. Hope gives faith in our journey.
Blow off the dust of doubt and let your hope arise.

thankful, to say the least.

JUST SOME OF THE AMAZING PHOTO'S FROM TUMOR HATER'S PHOTO SHOOT! 
this first photo means a lot to me, it wasn't taken for the website but just for me personally. being held up by friends, family and community; a perfect visual of what you all have been for me (p.s. those bulges on my arms are some of my nasty tumors). some of the other photos you will see on the website...go check it out! oh and that black and white one of me and my man is just for me too. =)




Hey guys! Guess what? One of the local news stations around town did an interview on me for an update on my health but also for Tumor Hater inc! So exciting. I am so thankful for the support that I have through my community for my own condition and also for Tumor Hater inc! Click here to watch that interview! SUPER EXCITING!!!
Oh ALSO, Tumor Hater's website photo shoot by visualize photography is now up! Click here to check out all of the amazing work that this company did for free. Keep up to date with their work on facebook and like their company page here.
If you missed it before the company that did my website, my tee shirts, and business cards for FREEE is forte creative, website here, facebook page here.
These companies did not do this to get recognized...but I really want you to recognize them. They deserve it. They deserve to be loved on like they have loved on me. Go to their page and show them some love. If you are a local company that needs help or a family needing pictures do business with THEM. They have my complete approval! =)
I have been so blown away by so many people around town donating their time and services for me and Tumor Hater inc. Proving again how powerful community is. Thank you every one who has helped me and for all who keep up with Tumor Hater inc and my condition. I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could properly convey how much you all have done for me. Ya'll love on me so well. You give me courage to fight and help me not lose hope in my future. You believe in me, and not only have you stood behind me as I face my own tumors; but now you are standing with me as a fellow fighter as we begin to face tumors nation wide. That is huge. It brings me to tears. Your love and support has been a constant reminder that my pain has a value and purpose....if I allow it.