terminated...

pic 1) so for times that i hurt way too bad to get around but i don't want my pain to limit my social life, i got a wheel chair to help me out. though it has no head rest, it is better than walking! pic 2) i have a problem with taking pills, they terrify me. addiction terrifies me. but, i sort of have to take pills now to have a day where im not staying in bed. so im trying out an extended release morphine pill. only on day two but so far so good. pic 3) a friend set up this fundraising account for me through this indiegogo website, super sweet. he didn't even tell me about it either until after he was done. i am super thankful for his heart, and for all of those that have donated. i made a video for it too! a youtube video...it feels funny to see me on there. but check it out! for those of you who know me from years ago, you will be able to hear the difference in my voice now. ugh, i hate my voice so bad. i MISS my vocal cords. 

here's just a bit of an update...

on july 31st i was supposed to be headed back into my job. ready and able to work. unfortunatly tumors suck.

when people ask me how i am feeling and healing up, i don't exactly know the best way to answer them. yes, my incision is healing from where they removed the 'creeper' in march. but there are so many things that are worse than ever before. there was also quite a significant amount of nerve damage from the surgery that i struggle with daily. my right shoulder is challenging me to deal with a new feeling of pain. it feels like a burning hot needle sliding around in the muscles in my shoulder. its a WIERD feeling. very unpleasant. i also have another new pain. its in the front right side of my neck when i talk. physical therapist is telling my that my only working vocal cord (the right one) has grown so weak from the tumors that are on it that it's basically using all the muscles in the front of my neck for power. so now most of the time when i am talking, my neck is spasming. it even sometimes spasms in the back of the neck?! praying the right vocal cord last years and years longer...or else...i will eventually need a tracheotomy to help me breath and speak. what joy, huh?!
not to be totally depressing but, my pain continued:
i also still cant lean forward without a ton of pain. getting shoes out of my closet, getting dressed, bending down, reaching forward, out to the side. standing at the kitchen counter to cook...cant do it. and this doesnt just cause neck and shoulder pain, my whole body is getting worse. my spine, my hips, my sciatic nerves, my feet, my arms. its really every where. the most annoying of all my pain is that i cant even sit comfortably in a chair any more. i need head support, to be reclined and even better, have some sort of foot rest. it seems the tumors that are on every level of my spine are being compressed too much when in the standing but most significantly the seated possition. making laying down the most 'comfortable'.

well, clearly this is not an adequate body to be of benefit at my job. although my surgeon wrote a note on june 8th that i could return to work july 31st...my body just isn't making that possible, and our employee health nurse didn't even approve me to come back anyways.

so, i have applied for disability and i hope that i hear back soon because i haven't worked since february! so please, cross those fingers, and legs, and arms, and toes...and of course PRAY that i get approved the first time around. and THEN i will be able to be on the Oregon Health plan for medical insurance and i could also start receiving financial help for the cost of living.

today is the official day that my job is terminated . (i cant help but think of arnold schwarzenegger when saying that). 'i've been TERMINATED'. sort of a sucky feeling. but i know that i know that i know God has allowed this all to happen and i am in His hands.

sorry for the boring post. i just wanted to update you guys on my "recovery" and my job situation. there will be more to come on my feelings behind 'disabled'.