thankful, to say the least.

JUST SOME OF THE AMAZING PHOTO'S FROM TUMOR HATER'S PHOTO SHOOT! 
this first photo means a lot to me, it wasn't taken for the website but just for me personally. being held up by friends, family and community; a perfect visual of what you all have been for me (p.s. those bulges on my arms are some of my nasty tumors). some of the other photos you will see on the website...go check it out! oh and that black and white one of me and my man is just for me too. =)




Hey guys! Guess what? One of the local news stations around town did an interview on me for an update on my health but also for Tumor Hater inc! So exciting. I am so thankful for the support that I have through my community for my own condition and also for Tumor Hater inc! Click here to watch that interview! SUPER EXCITING!!!
Oh ALSO, Tumor Hater's website photo shoot by visualize photography is now up! Click here to check out all of the amazing work that this company did for free. Keep up to date with their work on facebook and like their company page here.
If you missed it before the company that did my website, my tee shirts, and business cards for FREEE is forte creative, website here, facebook page here.
These companies did not do this to get recognized...but I really want you to recognize them. They deserve it. They deserve to be loved on like they have loved on me. Go to their page and show them some love. If you are a local company that needs help or a family needing pictures do business with THEM. They have my complete approval! =)
I have been so blown away by so many people around town donating their time and services for me and Tumor Hater inc. Proving again how powerful community is. Thank you every one who has helped me and for all who keep up with Tumor Hater inc and my condition. I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could properly convey how much you all have done for me. Ya'll love on me so well. You give me courage to fight and help me not lose hope in my future. You believe in me, and not only have you stood behind me as I face my own tumors; but now you are standing with me as a fellow fighter as we begin to face tumors nation wide. That is huge. It brings me to tears. Your love and support has been a constant reminder that my pain has a value and purpose....if I allow it.

Yahoo Shine

i was nominated to win $10,000 through a competition online. its called 'women who shine'. i am totally honored that i would even be thought of as a woman who shines, let alone being nominated to win some prize for it. i have been reading up on some of the other nominee's and i am so inspired by their stories. it is so cool that there are so many people out there who have fought a good fight yet still remain positive. or who give there time and heart despite their own situations. who love others, just because that is who they are. it is pretty mind blowing to see my story amongst theirs.

to my understanding this is how it works: there are 8 categories. i was placed in the 'activist' category. their will be 8 winners (probably 1 from each category) first place wins 10,000 and the other 7 get their story published (in a magazine i think). i think this is an incredible opportunity for me. of COURSE winning 10,000 would be incredible. but you know what id do with that money? id pay for my upcoming MRI's that i need to have done. i now have no insurance and no job. soooo. pretty hurting for some money. i have applied for disability through my old job (still waiting to hear back from them) and i applied through social security. i was denied from them...but i have written an appeal and i am HOPING that i get it. cuz THEN i can get on the oregon health plan (medical insurance). and Man oh Pete do i need that!! not only would it be cool to win some money, but it would also be incredible to get my story written and get word out about my non profit. i really do want to help hundreds, wait who am i kidding? i want to help thousands of people. i want to see the world decorated in tumor hater gear. i really don't think that's too much to ask =) so the more the word is spread about tumor hater inc. the better!!

i am not saying that i deserve to win. not in the slightest. but i am asking for you to vote. for me, and/or for another deserving person. check out the other nominee's. these ladies are incredible. be inspired and SHINE!
click here to vote for me. thank you!

and guess what?? the website for tumor hater has been launched!! click here to check it out! i am stoked outta my mind for everything that is to come!!
in other news;
check out my you tube channel here, i have added a few more videos. i am hoping that Ellen will somehow hear of my story and have me on her show. it would be a dream come true if she helped me launch this non profit! so if you want to share the videos with your family and friends and everyone else in the world, please do!! i would LOVE that!
and i know this is random but...watch the cutest funniest cat alive here...Maru the cat has his own YouTube channel and makes me cry laughing so hard. feel free to go through that whole channel. i hope it makes you as happy as it makes me. i LOVE that cat.

tumor hater and an 'i love ellen' rant

Pics and STUFF
1) i have a YouTube channel, here is my first video...filming thanks to my friends Winstin Tao and Jo & Andy Evins, editing thanks to Gordon Casey. 2) me and my couch named Ellen, just hanging out and having awesome chats. 3&4) just dreaming of being on Ellen's season 10. 5) a community of hero's at the website photo shoot for Tumor Hater inc. 6) hangin with the cutest haters around. 7) i hate so hard.

so.......i love Ellen.

how could one not? i even sort of named my couch 'Ellen' because its a dream of mine to sit and have a cup of tea with her. and now i get to whenever i want. though surely it isn't the same, its just the closest i may ever get. anyways...Ellen...she has the best heart ever and is 'a complete supporter of the underdog' as Patrick Dempsey said as he made a toast to her on her season 10 premier week. 

she is incredibly inspiring and has been responsible for a majority of my laughter and smiles during the recovery of my most recent surgery in late March. honestly, her smile, her dancing, her glow lit up my room while i laid there unable to do very much for the first few months. the thing is, i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. chances are she has brightened your day too. i know i'm not alone. and that is just about the coolest thing. that she has THAT effect on everyone. although she doesn't know me, she has helped me heal. she has helped me laugh in the midst of so much pain. she has given me more drive to reach out and help other people despite my tumors and pain. though i may be 'recovered' from that surgery in march, i still live in a body covered in tumors that seek to hinder me, my passion, my joy and LIFE.
watching Ellen, is just one of the things that honestly helps me to not give my tumors a fighting chance. i can NOT lose. i refuse. she daily reminds me how amazing it is to help other people, to smile, to dance and to LOVE always. watch her show and look what can happen when just one person extends a helping hand! tumor hater inc will do that for others. that makes me giddy. i also want to inspire and encourage others to love themselves for who they are. as is.
starting this non profit, i honestly feel like i must be crazy. but at the same time, nothing has felt more right. it would be a dreamy dream come true if Ellen helped Tumor Hater inc. if she could help spread the word,  anything. even just SAY 'tumor hater' would probably make my heart fall out my butt.
do you want to help this dream come true? not only would it just be rad to meet her, it would be...hmmm...insaine(?) incredible(?) freaking awesome(?) to have her stand behind tumor hater inc and what we believe. at tumor hater inc we believe in the importance of community coming alongside those in need to help them with the tumor-ey obstacles life can bring by providing financial assistance and emotional support.
share this video. share this post. share tumor hater's faceboook page. share share share. Ellen has multiple ways to be contacted. twitter, facebook, her website. she also has staff that you can contact, like jeannie, amy and andy! whether this reaches Ellen or not, the more people that know about Tumor Hater inc the more people can be helped. please help spread the word. spread the love, spread the hate.
Tumor Hater inc's website is almost ready, until then visit and 'like' our face book page!
also, if you are interested in getting your hate on, 'tumor hater' style and you have a PayPal...here is how you can get yourself some tumor hater gear...(obviously once the website is up, you can order from there, but until then, if you are interested...)
log on to your PayPal account
click 'send money'
enter kellysullivan@tumorhater.org into the address box
in the amount box, add up your shirt costs and enter it in. please add 5 dollars to help with shipping.
infant:                                   toddler:                                youth:
6 months-  $12                     2t-        $12                        small-      $15
12 months-$12                     3t-        $12                        medium-  $15
                                            4t-        $12                        large-       $15

women's:                             mens:
xsmall-     $20                      small-     $20
small-       $20                      medium- $20
medium-   $20                      large-     $20
large-       $20                      xlarge-    $20
xlarge-     $20                      xxlarge-  $20
xxlarge-   $20


in the details, write in what shirts you need and include the address where you want it to go.
and TA-DA!
you did it! i am pretty dang prompt on getting orders out too. AND id LOVE to see you in your shirt! send a picture of you getting your fierce on, your warrior face...your hater snarl...you get the idea to kellysullivan@tumorhater.org and i will post it on tumor haters facebook page!

i am hoping to raise a nice chunk of money to be able to cut someone a check by thanksgiving. lets do this guys!

P.S. The PayPal/donate button on THIS blog is NOT, i repeat IS NOT for tumor hater inc. the PayPal on the left side of your screen is to help pay for my own medical bills.

thank you every one for your support and for all of your love. i am SERIOUSLY blown away by all of you guys. not only have i been incredibly supported with my own tumor-ey adventure, you guys have also supported this non profit endeavor of mine and i am forever grateful!
xoxo

it is well

1) LOVE this song... 2) got my business cards!! thank you Forte creative for doing such an amazing job on them!! 3) being intimidating... get yo tickets ya'll.


 
when things are going well, we seem to dismiss the Lords presence in it, when things are hard, we ask "why have you forsaken me Lord?" in either scenario, we are not recognizing the true presence of the Lord.
when things are hard, it is so challenging to look past what is so easily seen, to feel past what is so easily felt. the hard. the pain. the hurt. the tears. but what i have found, is that looking past my pain and brokenness is the only way of survival. the only way to escape depression and a life wrapped in self pity and self centered-ness, which i don't believe is truly LIVING. when i look past 'why ME?' i am set free. i am free and i am welcomed to go after a life that has no limits or boundaries.
i know that i wasn't born to serve myself. so everything that happens to me (whether it brings smiles or tears) i must believe that it has only happened in order for it to help me reach my fullest potential and reach and inspire more people. but i must set aside this "life" that i feel like i have some sort of right to. you know, a life that's easy to smile through. the life of that one person that you sort of envy, cuz they just seem to have butterflies and rainbows follow them. i don't know if i will ever be able to let those desires go. but what has proven to be true every single time, is that when i start off my day with a 'why me' i can so quickly be overcome with depression. and on the contrary, when i feel a spasm, or my legs starts to throb from the numbness whatever the case may be. when i don't think of ME, when my heart opens and i hear God in it, and what He has to tell me through it, i feel so strong. the pain doesn't depress me, it is STILL there...but when my mind changes from 'why me' to 'whatever your will Lord' my heart changes from 'victim' to 'victor'.
lately, the tumors in my sciatic nerves are starting to cause my legs to get weaker and weaker. the pain is all the way from my hips to my ankles. throbbing, numbness, burning, sharp stabbing pains. im getting it all. a couple of days ago i was having one of the worst pain days EVER. no joke. i was driving home cutting a day of errands short because i was beginning to get dizzy every time my legs would spasm (i actually was only able to get one errand done). this pain felt like a shock of electricity running down my legs, it was nuts. despite this pain i went to the grocery store to get a couple items, i didn't want to be completely useless because of the pain, besides, i only needed 3 items. arriving at the grocery store i grabbed a cart and took extremely short and slow steps the whole time. i was glared at and was flashed numerous confused faces. well, probably because i was talking to myself. truth be told. i was talking to my tumors. i told them that i hate them. that they do not have victory in my life and they never will. that they will not weaken my passion. every time the pain bolted down my legs i said 'right NOW victory is mine, its already mine, you wont tear me down' it was a constant conversation the whole time at the store. i felt silly doing it but it was necessary to grab hold of my thoughts and to claim victory in my life during that time of feeling completely weak and helpless in my body. i took hold and control of the only thing i could, my thoughts. i know i must have looked like a bit of a freak but it was an extremely powerful moment for me. for the rest of the day, instead of feeling powerless over my tumors, i felt like i conquered them. i had victory in their greatest power over me; my hope. that is all that matters anyway. more than zero tumors. more than pain free, i want hope.
when i have hope, i have joy. when i have hope, i have peace. when i have hope, i have passion. therefore, when i have hope...i have victory. i trust the Lord enough to know, without any reservation that He is good. as i focus on His goodness and trust Him, i have an empowering hope for my future. my worries fade, and it is well. whatever comes my way, it is well in my soul.

when peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
it is well, it is well, with my soul.

dis-ABLE-d

pic 1) my new tee shirts!! i love them sooo much. huge logo on front, website down the side with logo and name on the back...oh yea, and they even have the trademark symbol now!! yahooooo!! thank you to forte creative for being amazing designers and an amazing company! pic 2) my 'display' at my parents house this weekend and...pic 3)...rudy mc.booty and i sell sell sellin away. pic 4) my favorite...opportunities like these will make all my pain worth it.

this past weekend i set up shop at my house to sell tumor hater tee's and oh my goodness! so exciting how many shirts have sold. over 40 shirts you guys. in only 2 weeks! it really is incredible to watch this non profit, this dream, come together. yes, the website isn't up yet and i am learning things as i go... but i'm going. i'm doing it. i am so so excited to do more but only time will get me there and i am literally just soaking in every moment of these beginning stages.

now unable to work and "disabled", this life is showing me just how 'able' i am...in areas that only require passion to get there. i feared the label of 'disabled' but really, its just a word. i will decide what i do with my life, not that silly word. yes, i may be limited in certain areas. but i also am finding that where your passions are, we have the potential to be limitless.

some say that (with over a thousand tumors) i have over a thousand reasons to be angry, and i see what they are saying. but i must fight against that mindset and instead see that i have over a thousand reasons to embrace the hurting. love the weak and have compassion on those that feel like they cant go on. tumor hater inc is going to make that possible. tumor hater was developed upon my pain and tumors and it is now the reason i have hope every morning.
people tell me how positive they think i am. and as much as id like to just be like 'yea your right, i've got it all together. this tumor-ey pain filled life is a piece of cake', i've said it before, my attitude of course, is not always hunky dory positive. i'm like a crazy roller coaster of emotions all the time. just ask my poor poor boyfriend. i've never cried this much in my life and these passed 9 months i have probably gone through more changes than when i was in my mothers womb. these changes are keeping me on my toes. i cant keep up with my life. but something that remains, something that doesn't change is the Lord. He is always good, and since He is always good, i know my tumors can be used for something good. and in order to see that 'good', i must not make my tumors and my pain about me. i must look to see my life in the perspective that God has on it. oh it is hard. its hard to set myself aside and look at my life from an outsiders perspective. its hard to resist getting on the floor flailing around in tears. throwing fists up to God yelling "WHY?!" oh i've been there before and there is NOTHING wrong with crying. but i refuse to let my tumors win. i refuse to be depressed. and not only do i have the will to live but i greatly desire to reach my fullest potential, and i'm not going to get there by throwing pity parties. so as long as i'm here. as long as this is my life... i am going to need to make the best of it. sure i will have bad days, its just all about re-gaining the perspective that gets you back on your feet again.

"God gives beauty for ashes
strength for fear
gladness for mourning
peace for despair"

part of one of my all time favorite songs EVER.

i believe God inspired tumor hater within me so i could inspire others.
he changed my heart towards this battle, this pain, this fear.
join me.
turn your pain into something beautiful. 

terminated...

pic 1) so for times that i hurt way too bad to get around but i don't want my pain to limit my social life, i got a wheel chair to help me out. though it has no head rest, it is better than walking! pic 2) i have a problem with taking pills, they terrify me. addiction terrifies me. but, i sort of have to take pills now to have a day where im not staying in bed. so im trying out an extended release morphine pill. only on day two but so far so good. pic 3) a friend set up this fundraising account for me through this indiegogo website, super sweet. he didn't even tell me about it either until after he was done. i am super thankful for his heart, and for all of those that have donated. i made a video for it too! a youtube video...it feels funny to see me on there. but check it out! for those of you who know me from years ago, you will be able to hear the difference in my voice now. ugh, i hate my voice so bad. i MISS my vocal cords. 

here's just a bit of an update...

on july 31st i was supposed to be headed back into my job. ready and able to work. unfortunatly tumors suck.

when people ask me how i am feeling and healing up, i don't exactly know the best way to answer them. yes, my incision is healing from where they removed the 'creeper' in march. but there are so many things that are worse than ever before. there was also quite a significant amount of nerve damage from the surgery that i struggle with daily. my right shoulder is challenging me to deal with a new feeling of pain. it feels like a burning hot needle sliding around in the muscles in my shoulder. its a WIERD feeling. very unpleasant. i also have another new pain. its in the front right side of my neck when i talk. physical therapist is telling my that my only working vocal cord (the right one) has grown so weak from the tumors that are on it that it's basically using all the muscles in the front of my neck for power. so now most of the time when i am talking, my neck is spasming. it even sometimes spasms in the back of the neck?! praying the right vocal cord last years and years longer...or else...i will eventually need a tracheotomy to help me breath and speak. what joy, huh?!
not to be totally depressing but, my pain continued:
i also still cant lean forward without a ton of pain. getting shoes out of my closet, getting dressed, bending down, reaching forward, out to the side. standing at the kitchen counter to cook...cant do it. and this doesnt just cause neck and shoulder pain, my whole body is getting worse. my spine, my hips, my sciatic nerves, my feet, my arms. its really every where. the most annoying of all my pain is that i cant even sit comfortably in a chair any more. i need head support, to be reclined and even better, have some sort of foot rest. it seems the tumors that are on every level of my spine are being compressed too much when in the standing but most significantly the seated possition. making laying down the most 'comfortable'.

well, clearly this is not an adequate body to be of benefit at my job. although my surgeon wrote a note on june 8th that i could return to work july 31st...my body just isn't making that possible, and our employee health nurse didn't even approve me to come back anyways.

so, i have applied for disability and i hope that i hear back soon because i haven't worked since february! so please, cross those fingers, and legs, and arms, and toes...and of course PRAY that i get approved the first time around. and THEN i will be able to be on the Oregon Health plan for medical insurance and i could also start receiving financial help for the cost of living.

today is the official day that my job is terminated . (i cant help but think of arnold schwarzenegger when saying that). 'i've been TERMINATED'. sort of a sucky feeling. but i know that i know that i know God has allowed this all to happen and i am in His hands.

sorry for the boring post. i just wanted to update you guys on my "recovery" and my job situation. there will be more to come on my feelings behind 'disabled'.

defining me

this is something that i have been contemplating for a long time. never been too sure just how to go about expressing these thoughts though. so please bare with me as i try not to struggle through explaining this new (to me) concept.

while being consoled, has anyone ever said "yes, but dont let this define you". well, ive heard that time and time again. and my response was usually "i know...i wont." and i stood strong in believing that was a good standard to live by. i didnt want to be taken down by something. i wanted to be strong and not allow my tumors to make me weak. but they did. but what i was not realizing is that they also gave me my greatest strength. if i completely step back and take a look at the effects that my tumors have caused me in a very broad perspective, i will see challenges, pain, tears and anger; but i also see strength, perspective, courage and humility. why when considering how something defines us must we focus on the negative aspect of it?

replace the word "tumors" with whatever you are going through. who says that your word has to define you in a negative way? look at who it has brought you to be today. look at the perspective it has given you that youd never be able to have with out it.

my tumors don't come along with a life sentence of sorrow unless i choose to allow that. sure i struggle. but i refuse to allow my pain to be in vain, so i choose to make them into more than just my struggle. my tumors have brought out my greatest strength, compassions, my heart and everything that i dream to become. because of my tumors i am strong. because of my tumors i have courage. because of my tumors i can feel Gods hands holding me up. literally only walking by his grace. which translates into every aspect of my life, i am what i am only by his permission.


'Kelly Anne Sullivan' defined is 'black eyed warrior woman with grace'. my tumors, my sisters death, and other life challenges has made this definition true. so yes, the hard stuff in my life has defined me. but NOT into a sorrow filled, angry, pessimist. instead they have defined me into this black eyed warrior woman with grace.