when things are going well, we seem to dismiss the Lords presence in it, when things are hard, we ask "why have you forsaken me Lord?" in either scenario, we are not recognizing the true presence of the Lord.
when things are hard, it is so challenging to look past what is so easily seen, to feel past what is so easily felt. the hard. the pain. the hurt. the tears. but what i have found, is that looking past my pain and brokenness is the only way of survival. the only way to escape depression and a life wrapped in self pity and self centered-ness, which i don't believe is truly LIVING. when i look past 'why ME?' i am set free. i am free and i am welcomed to go after a life that has no limits or boundaries.
i know that i wasn't born to serve myself. so everything that happens to me (whether it brings smiles or tears) i must believe that it has only happened in order for it to help me reach my fullest potential and reach and inspire more people. but i must set aside this "life" that i feel like i have some sort of right to. you know, a life that's easy to smile through. the life of that one person that you sort of envy, cuz they just seem to have butterflies and rainbows follow them. i don't know if i will ever be able to let those desires go. but what has proven to be true every single time, is that when i start off my day with a 'why me' i can so quickly be overcome with depression. and on the contrary, when i feel a spasm, or my legs starts to throb from the numbness whatever the case may be. when i don't think of ME, when my heart opens and i hear God in it, and what He has to tell me through it, i feel so strong. the pain doesn't depress me, it is STILL there...but when my mind changes from 'why me' to 'whatever your will Lord' my heart changes from 'victim' to 'victor'.
lately, the tumors in my sciatic nerves are starting to cause my legs to get weaker and weaker. the pain is all the way from my hips to my ankles. throbbing, numbness, burning, sharp stabbing pains. im getting it all. a couple of days ago i was having one of the worst pain days EVER. no joke. i was driving home cutting a day of errands short because i was beginning to get dizzy every time my legs would spasm (i actually was only able to get one errand done). this pain felt like a shock of electricity running down my legs, it was nuts. despite this pain i went to the grocery store to get a couple items, i didn't want to be completely useless because of the pain, besides, i only needed 3 items. arriving at the grocery store i grabbed a cart and took extremely short and slow steps the whole time. i was glared at and was flashed numerous confused faces. well, probably because i was talking to myself. truth be told. i was talking to my tumors. i told them that i hate them. that they do not have victory in my life and they never will. that they will not weaken my passion. every time the pain bolted down my legs i said 'right NOW victory is mine, its already mine, you wont tear me down' it was a constant conversation the whole time at the store. i felt silly doing it but it was necessary to grab hold of my thoughts and to claim victory in my life during that time of feeling completely weak and helpless in my body. i took hold and control of the only thing i could, my thoughts. i know i must have looked like a bit of a freak but it was an extremely powerful moment for me. for the rest of the day, instead of feeling powerless over my tumors, i felt like i conquered them. i had victory in their greatest power over me; my hope. that is all that matters anyway. more than zero tumors. more than pain free, i want hope.
when i have hope, i have joy. when i have hope, i have peace. when i have hope, i have passion. therefore, when i have hope...i have victory. i trust the Lord enough to know, without any reservation that He is good. as i focus on His goodness and trust Him, i have an empowering hope for my future. my worries fade, and it is well. whatever comes my way, it is well in my soul.
when peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
it is well, it is well, with my soul.
