Monday, September 26, 2016

The Thorn

"I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne
And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
I cried, “But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me.”
He said, “My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee.”
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face." by Martha Snell Nicholson A friend shared this poem with me a while ago and I have read it over and over since. That last line just makes my heart a pile of mush. The words couldn't be more true. The more I let go of the idea of 'good' and 'bad' according to human standards...the more I dive into a holy separation between body and soul and see that yes indeed, that very thorn that has given me so much anguish has also opened the floodgates of grace, mercy and so much more. As hard as it has been, I wouldn't ever trade my pieces of heaven with never having faced any thorn.

Monday, September 12, 2016


Oh Mr. Lewis what I would give to have been your friend. This is everything. One of my favorite pastors said in a recent teaching "if God was small enough for us to figure out, He wouldn't be big enough for us to worship." I have learned that asking 'why' doesn't gain me the peace I'm searching for. I only gain peace as I learn about Gods character and His gigantic love for me. Even though I trust God with every bit of me and I want to be used by Him more than I want a properly functioning nervous system, right now I'm struggling. I hate that my heart that is so filled with faith is caged in a body of flesh and human thinking. My spirit is so so willing, but my flesh is so aggravatingly weak. Why can't my faith silence my fears before I feel them?! Isn't my faith stronger than this ever growing weak flesh of mine? I leave for Stanford Wednesday morning to see a pulmonologist that specializes in people with neurological issues. I want to know so badly what is going on with my breathing but at the same time I fear it. These results shed light on how advanced my nerve deterioration currently is. I wish that I could run away from this but I know I need to face it, and I know I am not alone. Thank you guys so much for your incredible support, love and prayers that you are always so willing and eager to give.