Tuesday, March 26, 2013

a year ago today...

Look out!!
Here comes a plethora of pictures capturing the surgery and the first few months to follow...I cant say it enough. I couldn't be where I am today with out these amazing people in my life. 

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A year ago today, I timidly laid out on a surgery table unprepared for the change that awaited me. Just a life, as fragile as yours surrendered to a team of doctors that confidently held their tools. These men and women were armed and ready to rid me of one of my nasty tumors, "the creeper" to be exact.
I would never have guessed to wake up in the unspeakable pain that I experienced. OR waking up to learn that I nearly died while under the knife. -While removing the part of the tumor that was wrapped around the artery, they accidentally slit the artery and within a minute (said the doc) I had already lost nearly 40% of my blood. But by Gods divine appointment, there was a vascular surgeon doing surgery next door. He came in, found the slit, and saved my life. My order for morphine was delayed because of this fiasco until about 30 minutes after waking up. OH THE PAIN!
Through the next few months of recovery, I was surprised that I wasn't beginning to feel better than I did before surgery. In fact, I started feeling more pain than ever. I started having spasms in my hips and low back that would shoot all the way to my toes, feeling like a bolt of electricity. A couple more months passed and nothing improved. I was supposed to be going back to work, yet I couldn't sit in a chair or stand for even a minimal time period without these spasms starting. I knew I could no longer work, thus began the journey of applying for long term disability and truly coming to terms with where my tumors have taken me. I knew one day my tumors would bring me to this. But I never thought I would be 'disabled' at 27.
One of the hardest things in life I would say, is realizing our lack of control. Especially when that fact is thrown at our face. We think we have at least a sense of it when all of a sudden, BAM. Life changes and everything is unfamiliar. Just like a baby is born into the world screaming and crying, nobody likes change. We like staying comfortable, warm and snugly in the womb of familiarity. But change is standard procedure for things to move forward. This past year I have had so much ripped from underneath me. Changes in my life and more pain in my tumors that I have resisted to accept as my new normal. Though I have grown so much this past year, I'm still not used to this yet.
I know that there is purpose in pain. Not at all like I am comparing my life to Jesus'. But there is something sacred in that pain Jesus endured on the cross. In order for us to be saved...death was required. Pain was required. There was purpose in the pain of Jesus and that was made within the beauty of His resurrection and the new life that brings. This beautiful purpose far outweighs the necessary pain and death that Jesus endured on the cross. So as I have daily chronic pain, I choose to trust there is a purpose far more beautiful than any pain I could ever feel. And I choose to live within that beauty.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

let hope arise

1) My family and friends are the best thing I could ever ask or wish for. They make me never want to give up my fight. Thank you all for helping inspire the hope within me.
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We all know 'hope' is important. Have you ever seriously considered just how important?
We have all thrown around the phrase 'I'm losing hope'. Or even worse 'I've lost all hope'. But what I have realized, that hope, more than a feeling...is part of our bones. Our genetic make-up. It's human nature. It is a survival instinct. It is a will.
You see, picture this. A man or a woman or YOU claims to have lost ALL HOPE. That there is no reason to live. Then (picture this) a hungry lion started running after them, or you. What do you think they or you would do? Lay there and let the lion dine because there is "no reason to live"? I sure don't think so. I'm sure in part, this 'hopeless' persons fight would be because a lion eating you would hurt like crazy, but also to live, to survive. But my point is...you don't have a chance in a FIGHT against a lion, but you are still going to fight. And that right there is some CRAZY hope.
I believe that when we face our biggest obstacles in life, we must have hope to survive. When our lives are threatened hope arises within us. And we find strength we did not know we had.
Since hope in a life or death situation is vital to survive. Whats the difference in day to day living? Hope in the day to day not only gives you a 'mental' survival but it puts life in your living.
We need to live every day as if it is life or death living. Life is a gift, always. A lion chasing us, or a cancer diagnosis shouldn't have to occur until we live with hope and courage. Until we start 'grabbing life by the horns' and being this hero that we all have inside of us.
Don't listen to the negativity of the world. Don't listen to your haters. Don't listen to self doubt or your fears. I believe we are all here to do amazing things. Listen to your bones. Listen to the hope that you have deep inside you and let it move your forward. You haven't lost hope. You have just practiced for far to long not to listen to it anymore. Stop that. Control what you can in life. Hope is one of those things that is up to us.

Hope gives life. Hope gives faith in our journey.
Blow off the dust of doubt and let your hope arise.