a year ago today...

Look out!!
Here comes a plethora of pictures capturing the surgery and the first few months to follow...I cant say it enough. I couldn't be where I am today with out these amazing people in my life. 



A year ago today, I timidly laid out on a surgery table unprepared for the change that awaited me. Just a life, as fragile as yours surrendered to a team of doctors that confidently held their tools. These men and women were armed and ready to rid me of one of my nasty tumors, "the creeper" to be exact.
I would never have guessed to wake up in the unspeakable pain that I experienced. OR waking up to learn that I nearly died while under the knife. -While removing the part of the tumor that was wrapped around the artery, they accidentally slit the artery and within a minute (said the doc) I had already lost nearly 40% of my blood. But by Gods divine appointment, there was a vascular surgeon doing surgery next door. He came in, found the slit, and saved my life. My order for morphine was delayed because of this fiasco until about 30 minutes after waking up. OH THE PAIN!
Through the next few months of recovery, I was surprised that I wasn't beginning to feel better than I did before surgery. In fact, I started feeling more pain than ever. I started having spasms in my hips and low back that would shoot all the way to my toes, feeling like a bolt of electricity. A couple more months passed and nothing improved. I was supposed to be going back to work, yet I couldn't sit in a chair or stand for even a minimal time period without these spasms starting. I knew I could no longer work, thus began the journey of applying for long term disability and truly coming to terms with where my tumors have taken me. I knew one day my tumors would bring me to this. But I never thought I would be 'disabled' at 27.
One of the hardest things in life I would say, is realizing our lack of control. Especially when that fact is thrown at our face. We think we have at least a sense of it when all of a sudden, BAM. Life changes and everything is unfamiliar. Just like a baby is born into the world screaming and crying, nobody likes change. We like staying comfortable, warm and snugly in the womb of familiarity. But change is standard procedure for things to move forward. This past year I have had so much ripped from underneath me. Changes in my life and more pain in my tumors that I have resisted to accept as my new normal. Though I have grown so much this past year, I'm still not used to this yet.
I know that there is purpose in pain. Not at all like I am comparing my life to Jesus'. But there is something sacred in that pain Jesus endured on the cross. In order for us to be saved...death was required. Pain was required. There was purpose in the pain of Jesus and that was made within the beauty of His resurrection and the new life that brings. This beautiful purpose far outweighs the necessary pain and death that Jesus endured on the cross. So as I have daily chronic pain, I choose to trust there is a purpose far more beautiful than any pain I could ever feel. And I choose to live within that beauty.