Sunday, February 16, 2014

Run Shadow RUN!

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I have a natural tendency to only pursue my dreams based off of my tumor-ey body's limitations. I allow this ailment to go beyond the tangible, yet microscopic chromosomal deficiency and let it seep into something beyond the physical world and into the functionality of my spirit and mind. Reluctantly giving it reign over my heart and dreams and unless fought for could set a change far from microscopic in the way my story would be told. All because my spirit surrendered the right to its freedom.

As my tumors and pain grow, it is easy to allow my expectations of my life and dreams slip away. Every morning when I wake, my legs feel so much pressure and numbness as if they are trapped under a cement truck. This is HARD to ignore when I need to get out of bed for any reason at all, let alone for anything concerning Tumor Hater. Because then I start to question myself. "How could Tumor Hater be successful with this body backing it up"? "How can I do anything with this body?" It is then that the gusto of my spirit shrivels back down inside of this tumor-ey shell.

My spirit is strong and courageous. But my body is weak and fragile. Quite a contrasting pair, but I feel that maybe they are a perfect fit. That one could not be without the other, that my spirit got its courage and strength through these bodily challenges. For there has constantly been a resistance holding my spirit back, a challenge of pain or heartache to push against. My spirit has to lean into the struggle to go anywhere. Building resilience as it gets pushed back. And then strength as it drives forward again, back and forth, but gaining ground. Moving farther and farther across the enemy lines, gaining freedom as it goes.

Like Peter Pan and his shadow. This shadow wants to be wild and free, go where he may and not be limited to stick with where Peters body will take him, so the shadow breaks free from Peter never wanting to return. But as this story goes, Peter eventually catches him and sews him to his feet to ensure this captivity.

I feel like all humanity is born with imaginations that take our hopes and dreams sky high. As we grow older and no squirrels have talked to us and we can't fly with an umbrella on a windy day, our expectations on life get a bit smaller. The older we get, the confusion or sadness against failed expectations can cause us to stay closed up tightly in a shell of safety afraid to let our spirit and our dreams soar. So we pull a Peter and sew it tightly to the bottoms of our feet. We "play it safe" so our hearts and pride don't get hurt in the risk of pursuing our dreams. But I have found that when I go for it and don't fear the struggle, but rather I push against it, whatever it may be, a proof is unveiled that I was made to be free. That I was made to 'push against it'. That freedom doesn't play it safe and is only gained by battle, only gained by one overcoming another's resistance. I refuse to forfeit my passions to the pains of my body and to the persuasive shell of safety. Because safety holds no freedom and my heart only wants to live in an open space. Like a free roaming shadow, living solely on soul. Free from the chains that attach us to these shells. Though there may be struggle I will push until triumph. Because I was made to live in freedom beyond enemy lines.


  1. Kelly, you inspire me everyday. You have made me realize what is important in life and to never settle for anything less than what I deserve. You keep pushing on! Everyday! I love you. Very much! Thank you for being such an amazing friend.

  2. Kelly, I am so proud of you. Your strength, courage and determination are truly inspiring! You will fly on the wings of eagles my little girl, my little warrior. Love you, mom