Wednesday, February 16, 2011

my love hate relationship

*these pictures were taken april 2010 after a surgery that removed 19 tumors*

there have been people that have told me that i need to be healed. others have asked me 'well don't you believe in healing' or have said 'God didn't make you to suffer, He doesn't want you to suffer' 'come to our healing prayer meetings every wednesday, surely you will be healed' 'God doesn't want you to have tumors'

do you have any idea how much that bothers me? of course i would like to know what life is like outside of a tumor-ey body and of course i BELIEVE in healing!? however are you really telling me that God forgot about me while i was in my mothers womb? are you really telling me that he dropped the ball? Didn't he also send His Son to suffer??? don't assume that if i am not healed that i am not HAPPY. look at me! i feel Gods incredible mercy so apparent in my life every single step i take. i count myself very blessed.

after accepting my tumors as a part of who i am and realizing their HUGE role in shaping my character and discovering my dreams, i have a whole new perspective and appreciation for them. i would have to say though, it is most certainly a love hate relationship. these tumors are like the roommate that you never asked for. you have to figure out the best way to live together and stay out of each others way. well just as an unwanted roommate will teach you a lot about yourself; man oh pete, i have learned so much by living with these guys. its clear that God has ORDAINED me to have these tumors. He has ordained the tumors and myself to dwell in this same "unit" they ARE and WILL BE a tool that i use to reach others. how perfect that i can have such an incredible tool like this? my passion is to relate to those who are hurting and uplift them. look them in the eyes and say "God loves this you. you don't have to change for Him to love you. you don't have to achieve anything for him to love you. He loves who you are naturally" when i look at myself, if i see me how God sees me...i melt. i am on cloud nine with excitement that this is perfect and loved!

so, do i want to be healed? lemme ask you this, "if my heart is in heaven and their are no tears or suffering in heaven, shouldn't my heart already count myself as healed?" it makes me sad when people don't seem to see the grace that God has already given me. healing? of course it would be wonderful. i am just reminded that God doesn't want us to fret or worry, and i am not going to allow the status of my body be my main focus. God says 'be still, and know that I am God'.

i have given this fully over to God and He will do with it as He pleases. I trust He will take care of me. when i feel led, i will get prayer and will always allow others to prayer over me. most importantly id rather them prayer for me to have courage and joy where ever God has me.

i must tell you all now, about 2.5 weeks ago a friend of mine saw a trial study on the internet and passed on my blog to the director of the study. well, within 1 week they called me and seemed extremely interested in having me. they should be receiving my MRI images very soon (if they haven't already) and then i will find out for sure if i am excepted. this treatment has specifically shrunk some plexiform tumors that obstruct breathing apparatuses....maybe this is God providing a way for some shrinkage? total shrinkage? reaching other peoples lives? i don't know...i just know i cant lose perspective. I am made perfect with my tumor roommates...hey, they never leave the toilet seat up or leave dirty dishes out, so they aren't that bad...right?

psssst...(whispering)... let me clear something up, even if i can 'handle' living with these roomies, and the sweet little monsters have taught me deep meaningful lessons; just between you and me, the "love hate" is more of a hate. i will forever be a tumor hater. but don't tell them, we just got in a fight today and i don't want to stir up the drama again.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

...drum roll please...

no matter what type of tumor it is, who doesn't hate tumors? as much as i have learned to accept my tumors and appreciate what they are teaching me spiritually and emotionally, i am proud to be a tumor hater and proud to represent it!
i thought of this idea about 2 years ago and never did anything about it. but now...victory is mine!!!! i believe in myself, i believe that I have the ability to achieve anything that i want. i have been given courage and self love to follow my dreams.
the trade mark for tumor hater is currently in the works!!!
if you wanna represent your tumor hating ways, please do! for now, the procedes will help me pay my medical bills, but i really hope to soon start helping others with tumor-ey bills.
i am starting small in product and as i can afford it, i will gain more diversity. i hope to soon be selling in gift shops of hospitals and who knows where else. i feel like their are no limits as to where tumor hater can go and what tumor hater can become. (and believe imagination and dreams are huge)

so here you go world, here is my stuff! let me know if you have any questions or comments.

thank you everyone for your support either through your purchases, your prayers or your kind words. each bit, any bit, is more encouraging than you know.

Sincerely yours,

Top Notch Tumor Hater...

Kelly Anne Sullivan