Wednesday, February 16, 2011

my love hate relationship

*these pictures were taken april 2010 after a surgery that removed 19 tumors*

there have been people that have told me that i need to be healed. others have asked me 'well don't you believe in healing' or have said 'God didn't make you to suffer, He doesn't want you to suffer' 'come to our healing prayer meetings every wednesday, surely you will be healed' 'God doesn't want you to have tumors'

do you have any idea how much that bothers me? of course i would like to know what life is like outside of a tumor-ey body and of course i BELIEVE in healing!? however are you really telling me that God forgot about me while i was in my mothers womb? are you really telling me that he dropped the ball? Didn't he also send His Son to suffer??? don't assume that if i am not healed that i am not HAPPY. look at me! i feel Gods incredible mercy so apparent in my life every single step i take. i count myself very blessed.

after accepting my tumors as a part of who i am and realizing their HUGE role in shaping my character and discovering my dreams, i have a whole new perspective and appreciation for them. i would have to say though, it is most certainly a love hate relationship. these tumors are like the roommate that you never asked for. you have to figure out the best way to live together and stay out of each others way. well just as an unwanted roommate will teach you a lot about yourself; man oh pete, i have learned so much by living with these guys. its clear that God has ORDAINED me to have these tumors. He has ordained the tumors and myself to dwell in this same "unit" they ARE and WILL BE a tool that i use to reach others. how perfect that i can have such an incredible tool like this? my passion is to relate to those who are hurting and uplift them. look them in the eyes and say "God loves this you. you don't have to change for Him to love you. you don't have to achieve anything for him to love you. He loves who you are naturally" when i look at myself, if i see me how God sees me...i melt. i am on cloud nine with excitement that this is perfect and loved!

so, do i want to be healed? lemme ask you this, "if my heart is in heaven and their are no tears or suffering in heaven, shouldn't my heart already count myself as healed?" it makes me sad when people don't seem to see the grace that God has already given me. healing? of course it would be wonderful. i am just reminded that God doesn't want us to fret or worry, and i am not going to allow the status of my body be my main focus. God says 'be still, and know that I am God'.

i have given this fully over to God and He will do with it as He pleases. I trust He will take care of me. when i feel led, i will get prayer and will always allow others to prayer over me. most importantly id rather them prayer for me to have courage and joy where ever God has me.

i must tell you all now, about 2.5 weeks ago a friend of mine saw a trial study on the internet and passed on my blog to the director of the study. well, within 1 week they called me and seemed extremely interested in having me. they should be receiving my MRI images very soon (if they haven't already) and then i will find out for sure if i am excepted. this treatment has specifically shrunk some plexiform tumors that obstruct breathing apparatuses....maybe this is God providing a way for some shrinkage? total shrinkage? reaching other peoples lives? i don't know...i just know i cant lose perspective. I am made perfect with my tumor roommates...hey, they never leave the toilet seat up or leave dirty dishes out, so they aren't that bad...right?

psssst...(whispering)... let me clear something up, even if i can 'handle' living with these roomies, and the sweet little monsters have taught me deep meaningful lessons; just between you and me, the "love hate" is more of a hate. i will forever be a tumor hater. but don't tell them, we just got in a fight today and i don't want to stir up the drama again.


  1. I am in class right now learning about Ecclesiastes- I happened to look on facebook (oops) and your blog came up on my homepage. Can't help but see that what we are learning relates well to you.. Here is one theologians take on Ecclesiastes, it really reminds me of your attitude in this blog post.

    Qoheleth’s conclusions, according to Whybray: 

    1. What good things God has given us are intended for our enjoyment,  and in the giving of them he has shown his approval of our actions.   To enjoy them is actually to do his will. 
    2. We must accept our ignorance of God’s purposes and of the  reasons why he has permitted evil to exist in the world; and we must  take life as we find it and enjoy what we can, because 
      a.  we cannot change the fate which God has chosen for us; 
      b.  we cannot know what God has in store for us; 
      c.  life is short and death inevitable. 
    3.  The recognition that toil is part of what God has allotted to us in  this life, and that reliance on our own efforts is vain, enables us to find  enjoyment even in our toil” 

  2. oooh wow! that is so neat! i love it! yes, there is somehow enjoyment in toil...and yes, we must accept our ignorance as to why things happen that create toil WHILE knowing that God loves us and has a plan for us....and constantly remind ourselves that our home is in heaven.

  3. Love you kell-bell! so proud of you.

  4. crazy story you will have to check out my friends blog

  5. I also suffer from neurofibromatose of the type 1 and I know with what a not this disease is a martyrdom!!!
    Since my childhood that puffs out it the life between the hospital and the glance of the others, it is really a permanant combat!
    Me the disease to cause much damage on my physique, and I had to undergo the spite of the others since all the time. I could read and to see that you you were very surrounded and supported by your friends, you have much chance me it is not the case and it is hard to live. In any event you you are very pretty…
    I had your blog because I saw the bond on the twitter of your friend Justin I do not know it personally I know just that it is the friend of Liam (my idol).
    I know that can appear stupid of admired somebody whom one does not know, but when I have were almost 1 years at the hospital only with practically any visit I last my time on Internet has to try to divert me to avoid thought of all this evil and I fell on one from his films.
    And oddly that made of the good of escaped time from some hours forgotten all the remainder…
    When I am go on your blog I translated all your texts and I find you very courageous, I admire you because I would also like the being, you fight and you have the surface of benefitted from the life at bottom.
    Me it is not my case I a long time wanted to disappear rather than to live. Then even if today that is a little better I hope for one being day as strong as you!!! and to see you fighting desire gives me for also beating me and the hope gives me which one day me also I would be surrounded and I would live finally.
    They are people like you and as Liam which gives me hope…
    I would continue to come to read your blog, thank you…

  6. melly95300, I just want you to know you ARE courageous!! It sounds like you are fighting this terrible battle alone! It breaks my heart. I am Kelly's mother, Tami, and I pray that God gives you strength to hang in there. I tried to get on your blog but it appears you are in France, so it won't let me. We will be your support even if just over the internet. Be strong.

  7. Kelly - in our weakness He is strong!! God has used you, and I'm sure will continue to, as you are so willing to share His love! I'm proud of you, and so glad I came across your blog. It makes seeing your smiling face even more of a blessing to me! :) -Ivy

  8. I'm laying here, sick from work. A month away from my first big surgery and the Lord is using His words through you to help me not be so afraid.