Tuesday, April 26, 2011

back from indy & ready to fight...

these pics are from the day before i went to Indy. my boyfriend took me out to some of my favorite places as well as NEW places that are now on my favorites list....in pic 1 i am at a CHEESE FACTORY! yes, i love me some cheese. some local cheese, some 'rogue creamery' cheese, best cheese i've ever had! in next 2 pictures i am in a chocolate factory!! where the chocolateer was preparing for easter with his very own type of easter bunny. the voodoo chocolate bunny, they looked pretty nasty with one eye and blood oozing out everywhere, but it was unique. that tree in pic 3...yea thats 100% chocolate. this guy has mad skill! pic 4, last but not least, i am eating some incredible sweet potatoe fries at one of my favorite places in ashland.

before i left for Indy i was so fearful; being on multiple pills a day freaked me out. however, i was up for it if it meant to fight back against my tumors. i would consider myself a very strong person. i tolerate pain really well. REALLY WELL. i was a runner for years this sport helped me learn to push through pain at all times. in one of my previous surgeries, i wasn't numbed correctly, which means... i felt it. that's right. i felt it all. when he asked me frantically what i wanted him to do, i yelled "get the tumor out and don't leave any of it behind". i have an uncountable amount of tumors on the nerves in my body, easily over 1,000 they say, but i only take 2.5 mg of oxycodone every so often. i haven't taken one in a week. i have lost a sister to a car accident...the most painful thing by far, but i haven't allowed that pain to take over who i am. see? im tuff. right? haha, at least i'd like to think i am. going through all these things and other unmentioned things, i have experienced pain. but i cant allow my pain to rule me. i will also not allow my tumors to rule me. pain ceases. though the questions of 'why me' may be never ending. my pain is mine and without pain, where is mercy, grace or forgiveness? where is unconditional love and faith? so instead of looking at my pain as pain. i am challenging myself to look at the faith that it has given me. i will see how close it has brought my mom and i together. i will see my sister emily and know i will be pain free with her one day. i will see Jesus, and all the pain he bore on the cross for ME. i will see the love that my boyfriend has for me, to stay with me, though my future is unclear. i will be so thankful that i have these things. my pain is my beauty. my pain has shaped my life. my pain is my motivation. its funny how my idea of pain changes when i see what my pain has given me. when i was a runner, when it started getting hard through the last mile or 800 meters. thoughts would go around in my head that i should slow down so i could feel better. the funny thing is, the pain didn't subside when i went slower. it got worse almost. it was as if my body knew i was giving up, so it threw in the towel as well. same thing in life. giving up doesn't make you feel better, giving up is always a downward spiral. it always felt right for me to push harder when i thought i couldn't stand it anymore, to go even faster than i had planned, to pass 2 more people than i had just told myself to and then do it again. i would always surprise myself with how i finished. it is so much better to live your life pushing through the pain and trying even harder than you planned on. if you do this, i guarantee that you will surpass your idea of what you thought you were capable of.
ps i have so much more to say reguarding gleevec and my trip to indy. i am so behind in my posts, so please hang in there as i catch up... thanks =)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I'm dating MacGyver?

picture 1) my family and i in '99. a few months before my older sister died in a car accident. now she is in heaven dancing her heart out. picture 2) my best friend 'Noi' and i being amazing. dancing with a pot and lid on our heads. picture 3) my man and i cooking =). picture 4) family night at my parents house infront of the fire pit, (very excited for more of these nights through out the summer!) picture 5&6) my sling and i after crying. picture 7) the tumor in my spinal canals' internet debut....world, meet "the creeper" he is in my spinal canal in my cervical spine (neck). i do wish him to leave promptly. Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket PhotobucketPhotobucket Photobucket
i don't really know what to say... i'm having a hard day. i've been working on this post for 6 hours trying to think of something positive to write about. i want to tell you encouraging things. i want to be inspiring. the reality is i just stopped crying from pain and frustration. the pain in my right shoulder and arm is so severe. it feels like a have flames or hot smoke flowing through my right shoulder all the way down my arm; it's causing my whole right arm to be tingly and cold. my boyfriend just made a temporary sling for my arm out of towels and plastic bags to relieve some of my muscle pain. i love him. before my tears, i uploaded the first 4 pictures to tell you guys that i have an amazing support system of friends, family and eli. i was just going to keep this post at that and tell you that in the end, i can endure it all because of all the love i have around me. this is true, but i was stuck...my pain kept me from being motivated to say anything good. i stared at my screen for hours, then i lost it. as eli held me and rubbed my back, he suggested that i tell you all how weak i am feeling. i know i have done this before...i just don't want to sound like such a downer. dwelling on worries and frustrations just keeps me that much farther from the point where truth leads me. and the truth is that my home is in heaven. so anything that happens here to glorify Him will always be worth it...its just so hard sometimes to walk in that light, accept my weaknesses and be ready to face battle. so here's my moment right now. my tumors just beat me up, they still are beating on me. i feel incredibly weak. but my boyfriend just changed my view of this battle field. before i told him what was going on in my head this war zone was filled with defeat. my agony ruled my mind. i couldn't even think straight. the moment my first tears fell, relief was on its way. eli laid there with me and just held me. he rubbed me as i vented and he reminded me of the beauty and strength in tears. then just like macgyver would have done...he made a masterpiece sling. once i cried, it was as if i accepted my place in this world once again. i saw God in control again and i didn't see myself alone on the battle field anymore. i'm not saying that i'm now sitting here bursting with joy after this experience. i wouldn't even say i'm pleasant; but at least i have the right perspective. if it weren't for my tears or the love poured on me by my man, i guarantee you i'd still be sitting here not knowing what to write. don't be afraid to cry. don't pretend to be strong. don't resist love.

Monday, April 4, 2011

simple truths

this weekend was fab-u-lous. i went antiquing with two of my favorite people (eli and addi). my man and i bought the giant golden brass candle holders you see below. Addi and i just drooled on everything else. here we are wearing amazing feathery hats. i absolutely love old suitcases, one of these had a mirror in it! the picture of myself with some girlies (one in which is addi 'addicakes' 'addikins' or 'adds') is a picture i love. this, ladies and gents is 2 of addi's 3 sisters. yes, 4 girls and 1 boy. the Blacks run a busy household. i am considered one of there "adopted" children, here we are out to dinner. today is chelsea's birthday (the one on my left) happy birthday chelsea! oh yea, and whats with the giant cat book?! the wierd things that you can find at antique stores! Photobucket PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket Photobucket PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket ya know whats funny? is that no matter how hard we worry, God is in control an equal amount. He isn't gonna "use both hands" when we start to worry or "look both ways....twice" He is gonna do what He does regardless. isn't that weird to think about? this past week i was sort of a mess. don't even know how many times i cried. during one of my quivering lip attacks i actually realized this simple truth. my lip and myself stopped in their tracks and felt pretty darn humiliated before the Lord. i scoffed at my disbelief and then went on with my day thanking the Lord for the revelation. i swear i knew this before, but it was just brought to my attention in a whole new way, and i hope and pray it will be life changing. another thing that i realized, not about my tumors at all...but i took this 'revelation' to another side of my brain. the judging side. no matter how hard i judge a person...it does nothing good for that person. to God, it doesn't matter what I think about someone! isn't that funny? i thought it was funny!! like my opinion of someone else means anything! oh man. like i really know THEIR life. its so funny to me that we get caught up in talking about others negatively when all the while our opinion doesn't matter, yet for some reason we have something compelling us to express it. thumper's mom from 'Bambi' really had a good point. "if you cant say something nice, don't say nothin' at all!" needless to say, last week i was pretty humbled with my worry wart tendency, as well as my judgmental mind. i wouldn't at all say that i am a gossiping type of gal, but i have done it before. we all have. i am just so thankful that God gave me these truths to mull over in my head. the next time someone cuts me off on the road i will remember the time i did it to someone else. and the next time i start to worry, i will try to remember the last time my worrying accomplished anything possitive.