Tuesday, April 26, 2011

back from indy & ready to fight...

these pics are from the day before i went to Indy. my boyfriend took me out to some of my favorite places as well as NEW places that are now on my favorites list....in pic 1 i am at a CHEESE FACTORY! yes, i love me some cheese. some local cheese, some 'rogue creamery' cheese, best cheese i've ever had! in next 2 pictures i am in a chocolate factory!! where the chocolateer was preparing for easter with his very own type of easter bunny. the voodoo chocolate bunny, they looked pretty nasty with one eye and blood oozing out everywhere, but it was unique. that tree in pic 3...yea thats 100% chocolate. this guy has mad skill! pic 4, last but not least, i am eating some incredible sweet potatoe fries at one of my favorite places in ashland.

before i left for Indy i was so fearful; being on multiple pills a day freaked me out. however, i was up for it if it meant to fight back against my tumors. i would consider myself a very strong person. i tolerate pain really well. REALLY WELL. i was a runner for years this sport helped me learn to push through pain at all times. in one of my previous surgeries, i wasn't numbed correctly, which means... i felt it. that's right. i felt it all. when he asked me frantically what i wanted him to do, i yelled "get the tumor out and don't leave any of it behind". i have an uncountable amount of tumors on the nerves in my body, easily over 1,000 they say, but i only take 2.5 mg of oxycodone every so often. i haven't taken one in a week. i have lost a sister to a car accident...the most painful thing by far, but i haven't allowed that pain to take over who i am. see? im tuff. right? haha, at least i'd like to think i am. going through all these things and other unmentioned things, i have experienced pain. but i cant allow my pain to rule me. i will also not allow my tumors to rule me. pain ceases. though the questions of 'why me' may be never ending. my pain is mine and without pain, where is mercy, grace or forgiveness? where is unconditional love and faith? so instead of looking at my pain as pain. i am challenging myself to look at the faith that it has given me. i will see how close it has brought my mom and i together. i will see my sister emily and know i will be pain free with her one day. i will see Jesus, and all the pain he bore on the cross for ME. i will see the love that my boyfriend has for me, to stay with me, though my future is unclear. i will be so thankful that i have these things. my pain is my beauty. my pain has shaped my life. my pain is my motivation. its funny how my idea of pain changes when i see what my pain has given me. when i was a runner, when it started getting hard through the last mile or 800 meters. thoughts would go around in my head that i should slow down so i could feel better. the funny thing is, the pain didn't subside when i went slower. it got worse almost. it was as if my body knew i was giving up, so it threw in the towel as well. same thing in life. giving up doesn't make you feel better, giving up is always a downward spiral. it always felt right for me to push harder when i thought i couldn't stand it anymore, to go even faster than i had planned, to pass 2 more people than i had just told myself to and then do it again. i would always surprise myself with how i finished. it is so much better to live your life pushing through the pain and trying even harder than you planned on. if you do this, i guarantee that you will surpass your idea of what you thought you were capable of.
ps i have so much more to say reguarding gleevec and my trip to indy. i am so behind in my posts, so please hang in there as i catch up... thanks =)

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