i don't really know what to say... i'm having a hard day. i've been working on this post for 6 hours trying to think of something positive to write about. i want to tell you encouraging things. i want to be inspiring. the reality is i just stopped crying from pain and frustration. the pain in my right shoulder and arm is so severe. it feels like a have flames or hot smoke flowing through my right shoulder all the way down my arm; it's causing my whole right arm to be tingly and cold. my boyfriend just made a temporary sling for my arm out of towels and plastic bags to relieve some of my muscle pain. i love him. before my tears, i uploaded the first 4 pictures to tell you guys that i have an amazing support system of friends, family and eli. i was just going to keep this post at that and tell you that in the end, i can endure it all because of all the love i have around me. this is true, but i was stuck...my pain kept me from being motivated to say anything good. i stared at my screen for hours, then i lost it. as eli held me and rubbed my back, he suggested that i tell you all how weak i am feeling. i know i have done this before...i just don't want to sound like such a downer. dwelling on worries and frustrations just keeps me that much farther from the point where truth leads me. and the truth is that my home is in heaven. so anything that happens here to glorify Him will always be worth it...its just so hard sometimes to walk in that light, accept my weaknesses and be ready to face battle. so here's my moment right now. my tumors just beat me up, they still are beating on me. i feel incredibly weak. but my boyfriend just changed my view of this battle field. before i told him what was going on in my head this war zone was filled with defeat. my agony ruled my mind. i couldn't even think straight. the moment my first tears fell, relief was on its way. eli laid there with me and just held me. he rubbed me as i vented and he reminded me of the beauty and strength in tears. then just like macgyver would have done...he made a masterpiece sling. once i cried, it was as if i accepted my place in this world once again. i saw God in control again and i didn't see myself alone on the battle field anymore. i'm not saying that i'm now sitting here bursting with joy after this experience. i wouldn't even say i'm pleasant; but at least i have the right perspective. if it weren't for my tears or the love poured on me by my man, i guarantee you i'd still be sitting here not knowing what to write. don't be afraid to cry. don't pretend to be strong. don't resist love.
I love you Kelly, I wish I could make a deal with God to let me have your tumors and give you health. You know I would do it. You are so special.
ReplyDeleteMom
mom, the thing is...id never let you have this. maaaybe for a day, just so you would know. but THATS it! =) YOU are special mom. i love you.
ReplyDeleteWe are human and we CAN have our days where we want to cry for ourselves. But it is from the rebound of these moments that we gain strength and momentum. It is healthy to cry and just let it out. I also lost my big brother to a car accident in '98 (I was 17). I also had way to many of Gods test of strength to count on my hands and feet. Its kinda like throw up my hands and yell to the heavens -Ok Ok I think I know what I am made of. My fiance does not get it at times when I turn into a "babbaling" crying mess. I am aggrivated that I am always in pain, get dizzy spells, completely uncoordinated, starting to get the bumps on my face or arms, my huge birthmark on my stomach that is a size of a foot ball. NOW, my MRI results which took me four months to get. Ironic, I got them in the middle of Bed Bath and Beyond doing our registry for our wedding. The results showed that a tumor in my brain has grown and its effecting my right leg. Then with our sick humor about the serious stuff....ahhh so he says, that explains a lot. My cute lil ungraceful clutz. What can you do but laugh. My issues with NF are progressing with each celebration of a birthday and I am finding more and more-growing tumors. You are a strong person and I look towards you for strength because I feel like what you are going through is going to be my future. Thank you for your blog... dont stop writting.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone; it’s so frustrating when people don’t get it or don’t believe you. It is easy to feel so alone even though you know it’s not true. Thank you for sharing, it helps me remember I’m not alone on this NF path – maybe we can meet up sometime.
ReplyDelete"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." (James 1:12)
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