Why?

Oh Mr. Lewis what I would give to have been your friend. This is everything. One of my favorite pastors said in a recent teaching "if God was small enough for us to figure out, He wouldn't be big enough for us to worship." I have learned that asking 'why' doesn't gain me the peace I'm searching for. I only gain peace as I learn about Gods character and His gigantic love for me. Even though I trust God with every bit of me and I want to be used by Him more than I want a properly functioning nervous system, right now I'm struggling. I hate that my heart that is so filled with faith is caged in a body of flesh and human thinking. My spirit is so so willing, but my flesh is so aggravatingly weak. Why can't my faith silence my fears before I feel them?! Isn't my faith stronger than this ever growing weak flesh of mine? I leave for Stanford Wednesday morning to see a pulmonologist that specializes in people with neurological issues. I want to know so badly what is going on with my breathing but at the same time I fear it. These results shed light on how advanced my nerve deterioration currently is. I wish that I could run away from this but I know I need to face it, and I know I am not alone. Thank you guys so much for your incredible support, love and prayers that you are always so willing and eager to give.