Freedom in pain.

Pain teaches me so much about freedom. And if I let it, if I choose to feel past the pain; my pain can give me more freedom than I could ever have without it. My burden of pain is light, for it is because of my pains I see my freedom. I am not saying you are doing it wrong if you don't feel a freedom by yours. Im just saying pain doesn't come without an ultimate glory. The pain and death Jesus experienced on the cross was made glorified by his resurrection and the freedom it created for you and me. The process for this freedom took death, burial and resurrection; but because of it, I know ultimately that all pain, when tied with glory creates an unimaginable freedom. 

For a long time now, this word freedom has been intensely pressing on my heart. It is such an important state of mind, state of being, state of healing. I want nothing more than to live in the freedom of Jesus Christ. I am learning to envelope freedom, not in spite my pain, but because of it. And as I do, I am learning that freedom doesn't just fall onto me. It is me. When I say 'I am free', I don't mean a point of limitless location. I mean I have limitless identification. I am free, it is stitched onto me. I am free, just as I am me. I am Kelly, I am free.

I understand how easy it is to believe that if you are sick or have a chronic illness that you may not be as free as those without illness. Or if your circumstances are hard…or unbearable that you may not feel you are as free as those that live seemingly easy lives. But freedom doesn't come once your sickness goes away. Once you get a boyfriend or girlfriend. Once you get your dream job. Once you get married or have kids. That isn't freedom nor will it create freedom. Freedom doesn't attach itself to tangible things. Freedom attaches itself to souls and to hearts of those that dare to believe it is theirs to take. For those that believe they are worthy of it. For those that are brave enough, courageous enough to allow themselves to become freedom. 

Pain is a constant to me, putting my weakness on constant display for my soul to be shaken. My pain offers a prison, hopelessness and a coffin for my dreams. I have been there, and struggle to not let that be my day to day. But on the contrary, what my pain has also shown me is, if their is a prison there is also a freedom. And just as deep and dark prison can be, there is an exact opposite of immense freedom. There is an equal counterpart, its just up to me for which side of the bars I will be.

We see what we want to see. If your in the stage of having a baby, all you see is pregnant women. If you really want a certain type of car, all you see are those cars around town. If you are a negative Nancy, all you see is negative things. If you believe you are in a prison, and just out of reach of your dreams… then it won't matter if it is right in front of your face. You won't ever get there. You will think of reasons as to why you can't, or why you aren't good enough for them. However, if you see yourself as FREE. If you take on this limitless identification, then you see nothing that stands in the way of victory. 

Fear paints these invisible bars around us, but through faith we have freedom that destroys restriction and offers more than you can ever imagine. Fear is an illusion that keeps us from faith. Yet we heed to its instruction and let it guide our way. Let faith be the leader of the things unseen and watch fear fall apart as we breath life into our dreams.

Run Shadow RUN!

I have a natural tendency to only pursue my dreams based off of my tumor-ey body's limitations. I allow this ailment to go beyond the tangible, yet microscopic chromosomal deficiency and let it seep into something beyond the physical world and into the functionality of my spirit and mind. Reluctantly giving it reign over my heart and dreams and unless fought for could set a change far from microscopic in the way my story would be told. All because my spirit surrendered the right to its freedom.

As my tumors and pain grow, it is easy to allow my expectations of my life and dreams slip away. Every morning when I wake, my legs feel so much pressure and numbness as if they are trapped under a cement truck. This is HARD to ignore when I need to get out of bed for any reason at all, let alone for anything concerning Tumor Hater. Because then I start to question myself. "How could Tumor Hater be successful with this body backing it up"? "How can I do anything with this body?" It is then that the gusto of my spirit shrivels back down inside of this tumor-ey shell.

My spirit is strong and courageous. But my body is weak and fragile. Quite a contrasting pair, but I feel that maybe they are a perfect fit. That one could not be without the other, that my spirit got its courage and strength through these bodily challenges. For there has constantly been a resistance holding my spirit back, a challenge of pain or heartache to push against. My spirit has to lean into the struggle to go anywhere. Building resilience as it gets pushed back. And then strength as it drives forward again, back and forth, but gaining ground. Moving farther and farther across the enemy lines, gaining freedom as it goes.

Like Peter Pan and his shadow. This shadow wants to be wild and free, go where he may and not be limited to stick with where Peters body will take him, so the shadow breaks free from Peter never wanting to return. But as this story goes, Peter eventually catches him and sews him to his feet to ensure this captivity.

I feel like all humanity is born with imaginations that take our hopes and dreams sky high. As we grow older and no squirrels have talked to us and we can't fly with an umbrella on a windy day, our expectations on life get a bit smaller. The older we get, the confusion or sadness against failed expectations can cause us to stay closed up tightly in a shell of safety afraid to let our spirit and our dreams soar. So we pull a Peter and sew it tightly to the bottoms of our feet. We "play it safe" so our hearts and pride don't get hurt in the risk of pursuing our dreams. But I have found that when I go for it and don't fear the struggle, but rather I push against it, whatever it may be, a proof is unveiled that I was made to be free. That I was made to 'push against it'. That freedom doesn't play it safe and is only gained by battle, only gained by one overcoming another's resistance. I refuse to forfeit my passions to the pains of my body and to the persuasive shell of safety. Because safety holds no freedom and my heart only wants to live in an open space. Like a free roaming shadow, living solely on soul. Free from the chains that attach us to these shells. Though there may be struggle I will push until triumph. Because I was made to live in freedom beyond enemy lines.