Friday, February 6, 2015

Self Hate Eclipsed

1) Me in my absolute favorite shirt! It is the first of our 'Love First' collection for Tumor Hater! It is the perfect visual representation for what Tumor Hater was founded upon! I am in love with it!
2) Some of my MRI's showing some of my tumors. All of the white is tumor. So crazy and so dumb.
3-10) These capture precious moments from our Tumor Hater Christmas Party for our most recent hero Jorge and his family. From he and his brother Hernan receiving their Tumor Hater Hero capes to meeting Santa and Spider-Man and then of course, the presentation of the $7,610 check. 
Thank you to EVERYONE that made this Tumor Hater Christmas possible. To Spider-Man and Santa Claus. And of course to Sarah, Sarandipidy salon and all of their amazing clients that participated in the Hero Tree and giving these boys an incredible Christmas to remember with all of your generous gifts!  photo bbce03d6-18b6-4ed6-afa9-75c4207c5a27.jpg  photo 816debc9-e01a-4f00-9ab1-a304dff91d54.jpg  photo ede294e0-210d-4013-b3c0-c6446cb4529d.jpg  photo 99792098-1c9e-44df-a9e3-ec9bf18d624a.jpg
 photo 10b0be6a-542e-47b3-a5b7-d33a0c7905e9.jpg photo 4fd44655-7a26-4813-84ee-a5c86c3383d7.jpg
 photo 85ccca92-d349-49b7-ae23-47c42f95d797.jpg photo e6a612ca-79c9-4ce2-b8f5-e21227e38c99.jpg
 photo c3b9be60-f9e7-469e-bcfe-eee03cf69744.jpg
So, here is something that I am super nervous to open up about but I feel like it is important that I do so. By exposing this darkness within me, I can only be allowing room for light and therefor growth and healing.
Sometimes I want to hate my body. My BODY, my CORE, my genetic makeup is what constantly creates these tumors. So at times I am tempted to hate the body that makes them. Its a temptation and a battle that I have yet to completely conquer and put behind me. I notice that when I hate it, I hide it. I make it suffer because its like I believe it deserves nothing good. This betrayal I feel from my body has deep roots that strangle my freedom. My vulnerability and authenticity is buried even from myself when this hatred shows stronger than hope.
Sometimes I feel like I am more tumor than human. That I am pain, that I am more desperate than satisfied. That my identity is in pain rather than triumph, that it is in struggle rather than progress. At times I don't fully know how to feel regarding the pro vs the con. And I feel terribly guilty because of these feelings of self hate. Guilty from the temptation to delve into the 'con' of things and then to sit in the pit for days, or weeks.
When I feel self hate: My chromosomes are set up to be a tumor producing sweatshop. I feel infested. I feel disgusting. My body feels like it is in a daily triathlon/iron man competition that I was accidentally signed up for. Proving to me constantly how weak it is and is becoming. It dangles 'weak' in front of my face. I can't escape it, I live inside of weakness…of infestation…of pain…of less than. My dreams just don't seem like they can be accomplished in this body.
When I feel guilt: Guilty is mercy in disguise and always comes knocking at the door when self hate seeps back through these scars. I know truth, but I don't always live within it. Having 'guilt' alone proves that I know I am more than what I believe when I self hate, otherwise why would I feel guilt? But at the same time, guilt cripples. Telling me that I don't deserve Tumor Hater or speaking opportunities or blog readers because I haven't conquered self love and freedom so who am I to inspire?
I hate that sometimes I shun light and follow darkness, and let my afflictions grow louder than the love and mercy that is mine for the taking. But how can I feel victorious in victory without knowing the pain in the struggle it took to achieve it. How can I be blissfully happy, unless I know the darkest caves of despair? I know to struggle is only human, and is required for growth. I know what is true. I know how I should feel. But that doesn't mean that it comes easy. As I push my mind and heart to be vulnerable, I can learn how to heal those broken pieces that have gone uncared-for for far too long. And in doing so, I learn the not so secret, secret to finding love, healing and beauty among my ashes.
As I love on others with tumors, it makes me realize I also deserve love. It makes me feel like the ache that far surpasses any tumor pain to feel whole will finally come as I love…you. You tiny little girl and boy that know nothing other than a life with doctors appointments, surgeries and chemo. You, you brave woman, who lost your only child…your son. You, you sweet highschooler that only wants to spread joy and inspiration. You, you sweet man that led a community to be changed by your legacy of love. You, you incredible young man who's wisdom far surpasses your age, teaching us about happiness. As I learn these stories. The love and light that seeps from them…lands perfectly on my broken pieces. And I feel love. My brokenness is eclipsed by your beauty, your bravery, and the glory that shines from you and I feel whole.
True empowering hope can only come when it is all you have, when you have known loss and have had to depend on it for survival. My self hate leaves a mess of me, leaves me in darkness, broken and feeling alone. While there is a time for mourning and sadness, I do not believe there is a time for self hate. Understandable feelings, perhaps yes. But we must find a way out of that darkness. There are others there…search around you will find a hand. Grab a hold of it and walk together toward the light. When I have looked beyond myself, beyond my lacks and losses, it is then that I find healing. Holding your hand. Hearing your story. Just being human. And I am reminded, darkness does not actually exist, it is nothing but the absence of light. There is light and love all around you, seeking it out does not negate your pain and tragedies. It only reveals a reflection of your light that lies within. A light that can be stoked to live and love beyond the burn.

No comments:

Post a Comment