Saturday, January 29, 2011

i almost ran off with big foot

sometimes all i want to do is give up. sometimes i cant seem to let the goodness of the Lord take me peacefully over my circumstance into a place of perfect serenity and hope. yesterday was one of those times. i felt so overwhelmed, the weight of the world was on my shoulders...if provided, i could have easily ran into a cave to never return.

i am so blessed to have people that love me so much and are dedicated to being there for me in these low times. i wish i could illustrate how low i get so you could understand. so low, that as i was sitting in Starbucks yesterday, i could not stop tears from streaming down my face. no sobs were sobbed...just tears, flowed like a river. clearly i am absolutely not always positive and excited to see how God can use me and my tumors in the future. sometimes instead of that excitement i want to jump in my pity pool of 'why me' tears and cry some more. i cant tell you that i am out of my 'pool' yet. but i did stop crying.

reasons for my tears yesterday
it all snuck up on me...
its so hard to deal with the emotions of having tumors and chronic pain (sometimes pain is so bad i nearly pass out) i am able to do less and less physically. the unknown of where 'Big Bertha' is going to take me and wondering if anything else will become paralyzed creep up on my soul. i think 'how long until i cant walk?' 'how much longer will my right vocal cord last until it is paralyzed like the left?' 'what is this new pain?!' so many questions ramble off in my head. i become consumed. my 'indestructible' tower of hope gets surrounded by a thick black smoke and all the evil in the world follows close behind.
tears also fell because of money... oh the MONEY!!. i didn't asked for this, but i will have to find a way to pay for treatment and things of the sort. i do have some ideas on how i can fund myself but i am not certain how it will turn out (will fill you in with details soon). knowing i MUST find a way, combined with the paragraph above will lead me to start crying unexpectedly in public.

today, all of these details still worry me. but they aren't staring at me in the face. i was reminded that i have many loved ones that will not let me deal with this on my own.
thank you everyone who walked me through my day yesterday...because of you i am not sharing an unsearchable cave with big foot.
p.s. thats me tumor hatin it up as i sport a couple of my tumor hater bracelets that i am selling locally. i am trying for the life of me to sell them online via blog and future website... we will figure out the pay pal thing soon.


  1. Can I get your number?....Id like to call you for a few reasons! :) ps: Im beginning to see why God made us roomates in Maui so long ago! And btw: you have been on my mind... so I will be praying! Love you! And... I would REALLY LOVE to call you!!!

  2. i will probably give you my number...if you can tell me who you are...? are we friends on facebook? just email me so i can know where to send the phone number through. =)

  3. Hello Kelly,
    I read your blog, and would like to provide you some help. Is there a way you can contact me without me having to place my email address here?

    Look forward to hearing from you,
    Wesner Michel

  4. wesner michel, i think i sent an email to someone who MAY be you.....
    if it isnt you can just email me at

  5. I am relieved you realize you are truly surrounded by a HUGE amount of us who love and adore you! I thank God He is seeing you through "the pit". I'm praying always that He blesses and covers you with a new song of praise by which many will see and worship and trust our Lord. You are so bravely transparent with us and I speak for so many who read your heart felt words..."thank you, Kelly!!!!!! Keep looking up!! Diane

  6. So so thankful I found your blog. Its almost like my thoughts written out, but prettier :)