power of a will

i get by with a little help from my friends, family and my man...
pic 1-3) my birthday celbrations! pic 5) tea party! pic 6) golfing with my mom, brother and eli. pic 7) poker night at my parents. eli and i turned gangster.




sorry i haven't written in a LONG time. when i write, i cant hide from my feelings; my heart is all over these keys. so i have been at a stand still, not writing because i am struggling and i don't want to go deeper into that darkness. i have been scared of my life lately. the fear i have is so deep and dark it's extremely difficult to write and vulnerably go there because i don't know if i will be able to come out of that dark place after i click "publish post". my tumors are freaking me out. in december i fly back to indianna to get some follow up exams to see if my tumors have shrunk after being on gleevec for 6 months, and just looking into airfare and planning my trip is taking a toll on me. what if gleevec isnt working? where will my tumors take me besides a life full of pain? how will i handle the pain as it gets even worse? what other nerves are going to become paralyzed? will i be able to handle it? these questions amongst a million others are killing me. the unknown is a bully, and i am its prey.

even though i know the truth:

i know i am in God's hands. i know that His mercy and grace are sufficient for anything we will ever go through. i know that everything is about perspective. i know that the grass is not greener on the other side. i know that i am made perfectly with each of my tumors. i know that my home is in heaven.

...lately i am having a hard time believing these things and allowing my heart to be held by them. the other day i found a quote that is now sitting at my desk at work, i want to be reminded of it daily.

"i assess the power of a will by how much resistance,

pain, torture it endures

and knows how to turn to its advantage."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

i know i have a strong will. but man alive, i need the Lords mercy these days.

spreading her love, one rose at a time.

my apologies for waiting 2 weeks to get back to you with what i did for the 'anniversary' of my sister emily's death this year. for some reason i have been pushing it aside...i still don't really like to talk about it i guess? but i am doing my best to change all of my thoughts towards this subject.
instead of hanging my head and crying all day on september 17th, i decided to grab hold of my emotions. i wanted to appreciate my life, especially on this day. i wanted to live more fully. instead of dreading that day and hating every second of it, i wanted to make it a day of LOVE and give the day a whole new meaning.

so this year eli and i drove up to crater lake. crater lake is an absolutely stunning sight. we went to a couple look out points soaked up the beauty that was filling every single visual frame around us. THEN we went and got our grub on. oh nelly. this was some amazing food. picture a huge colonial style mansion on the edge of a cliff that looked over crater lake. yea...that was the restaurant/hotel. it was ridiculous.

after dinner, we drove out to another look out point that had the prettiest sunset id ever seen. then we dropped off emily's rose at a beautiful lookout point and journeyed back home.

it was so good for me to grab a hold of my life that day and intentionally do things that would give me some of the greatest memories. it turned out being one of the best days of my life. leaving a rose for emily is going to be a new tradition. i will do this on random days, to strangers, in empty seats...anytime anywhere, no rules at all... i want to share the love and beauty that she gave to me, with the rest of the world one rose at a time.