Sunday, October 30, 2011

power of a will

i get by with a little help from my friends, family and my man...
pic 1-3) my birthday celbrations! pic 5) tea party! pic 6) golfing with my mom, brother and eli. pic 7) poker night at my parents. eli and i turned gangster.
sorry i haven't written in a LONG time. when i write, i cant hide from my feelings; my heart is all over these keys. so i have been at a stand still, not writing because i am struggling and i don't want to go deeper into that darkness. i have been scared of my life lately. the fear i have is so deep and dark it's extremely difficult to write and vulnerably go there because i don't know if i will be able to come out of that dark place after i click "publish post". my tumors are freaking me out. in december i fly back to indianna to get some follow up exams to see if my tumors have shrunk after being on gleevec for 6 months, and just looking into airfare and planning my trip is taking a toll on me. what if gleevec isnt working? where will my tumors take me besides a life full of pain? how will i handle the pain as it gets even worse? what other nerves are going to become paralyzed? will i be able to handle it? these questions amongst a million others are killing me. the unknown is a bully, and i am its prey.

even though i know the truth:

i know i am in God's hands. i know that His mercy and grace are sufficient for anything we will ever go through. i know that everything is about perspective. i know that the grass is not greener on the other side. i know that i am made perfectly with each of my tumors. i know that my home is in heaven.

...lately i am having a hard time believing these things and allowing my heart to be held by them. the other day i found a quote that is now sitting at my desk at work, i want to be reminded of it daily.

"i assess the power of a will by how much resistance,

pain, torture it endures

and knows how to turn to its advantage."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

i know i have a strong will. but man alive, i need the Lords mercy these days.

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