Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the overflow

another overlaod of pictures. SO MUCH TIME TO MAKE UP WITH PICTURES!!
1) some of my loverly friends that came to visit me! i love them so much!! 2) what a wonderful night i had with my bestest friend Noi. we stayed up till after 2am talking, laughing and...crying. 3) My first hug from Noi after surgery. 4) feeling completely adventurous with my friend addi at my first concert ever, COLDPLAY! this concert would NOT have been doable without my oversized wheel chair. 5) out to dinner with amanda and her fam bam. 6) one of amamnda's precious little girls. this girls love is sweetness to my soul. 7) first time poker champ at family poker night! i give all credit to the titanium/terminator side of me. 8) me seizing the day. this was right before my cape came out and i flew around the city fighting tumors. 9) what a special friend i have in tami. this girls visits brought me coffee, laughter, princess balloons, mad libs and a felt coloring poster! what could be better? 10) what do we have here? my sweet aunt hand crafted me a bobble head! i am a bobble head?!
Untitled Untitled UntitledUntitled UntitledUntitled UntitledUntitled UntitledUntitled
so remember in my last post how i said that i nearly died? well this isn't my first near death experience...

in high school my brother and i got in a really bad car accident on our way to a track meet. we hit black ice coming down a very steep and curvy road. we flipped upside down and slid all the way down the hill and somehow avoided sliding off the cliff. the paramedics were telling us that the wrecks they see like ours, do not come with surviving passengers. they were calling us "lucky" but i saw it different. you see, before the wreck happened. before we even left our house, i was getting into the car and i had a feeling in my gut to recline the seat back just in case we flipped upside down in a car wreck (not even kidding) i also thought i should slide the seat as far back as it could go, and even put the pillows and blankets that we brought for the track meet into my lap. clearly this wasn't 'luck' i don't even know if i believe in that word at all. but anyways, God wasn't done with me then, and He still isn't done with me yet.
at that time in my life, i didn't feel a rush of life cuz of nearly dying. the only thing i really took away from it was that i need to listen to those feelings i get, cuz they can save my life. and learning what my sister and i wanted to 'pass down' to each other if either of us died. i would inherit all of her clothes, and she would inherit my letterman's jacket (since she hadn't lettered yet, something i LOVED that i had before her) little did i know, she actually would be in a car accident herself 9 months later, and be one of those un-surviving passengers. you can read about that dreadful day HERE.
p.s. i still have a lot of her favorite clothes and wear them as often as i can, and when i do i want to tell every one that i am wearing her clothes. i want them to know her as much as they can, maybe they will gain a little of her joy, a little of her heart, hear a little of her laughter if they see her clothes on me. these clothes mean the world to me.

well, this time. this near death experience of mine has changed my life for good.

waking up from surgery, after receiving my very delayed morphine pump...i hear:
"so, did you hear that they nicked your artery?"
"no?" i replied. not even realizing what that meant.
"yea, they nicked the artery and they couldn't find the hole. you lost a lot of blood. they had to call for a vascular surgeon to come in for immediate assistance"
"wow. really?" i say...
"yea, you almost died"- said my boyfriend. his face was pale. he got up and started to walk to the foot of my bed.
"wait, what? i almost died? what? what do you mean?!" i said frantic, wanting to know more of what he and my family just went through.
"yea, they called us into a small room..." tears rushed into his eyes. he grabbed my feet to rub them, but he froze and the saddest expression covered his face.
"babe, i am so sorry."

he still cant really talk about it. i don't blame him, i can't imagine losing him.

fast forward 2 weeks i am out of the hospital, and i am back home in Oregon. spending most of my time sleeping. for the first few weeks i probably slept about 18 hours a day. when i was awake i was eating, throwing up, or watching tv. quite a life right?
eventually i was able to begin wrapping my head around the magnitude of what it meant that my artery was nicked...that i could have died so easily. after the somewhat of a depression that it initially left me in. i began to see life in a whole new way. my relationships, my lifestyle, my beliefs... i began to have an overflow of gladness, of appreciation. like i started all over again. like God gave me another chance. i had never felt more alive than i did at that time.
an overflow of emotions has been constant, but not always for the good. sometimes, my pain is so severe that it breaks me down. and down and down i go, falling into my pit of despair. i become overflowing in weakness. overflowing in desperation for help and relief. nothing giving me hope.
this has been one of the wildest rides i've ever been on. yes, i have been through extremely hard times in my life, but never have i been so in tuned to my emotions, my feelings and what they mean. now i feel my grief like never before. i feel my grief with no walls to guard or hide its depth. and on that same level i have never felt my joy, gratitude and peace as greatly as i have in these days.
a couple weeks ago i was feeling so broken. in so much pain. but i knew that i was going to be ok. because God has always proved to me that i am in His hands. i wrote these words to be my reminder:

When all is taken away and yet we still see Him, its clear that in His hands is where we are. Its where we've always been.

i have been repeating this over and over again to myself and wanted to share it with you all. why must it take something huge like almost dying to let us understand this simple yet profound fact? why must it take over a thousand tumors for me to comprehend this?

yes, this ride has been wild. but as i step back, i see that His hands surround me. and that my friends, is the only place where i want to be. come what may, i will still be here. wrapped gently in my makers hands. its where i've always been.


  1. So glad to her things were found and you pulled through :)

  2. Yeah that was so scary! I got that terrible lump in my stomach when they were calling us into that back room. I remember looking at Libby and thinking "No way....I don't want to go in there....they are NOT going to tell me bad news". Also really bad was when you became conscious in the recovery room and they realized you had no pain killer drugs in you. NOTHING! And when I realized it you looked at me and said "mom don't do anything bad" I wanted to scream at someone!! They all ran around so fast to get the morphine started...Thank God! You are an amazingly strong woman Kelly to endure that much pain.