lately i have been experiencing a tremendous amount of pain. more pain than i have ever felt before. it seems as though i cant do anything anymore or be in any position that relieves my pain. so frustrating. physical pain has been causing me emotional pain and despair. not an easy combo to handle.
at church the other week, i opted to take the stairs rather than the elevator. as i approached them in a hobble (when in pain i walk like i'm 120 years old) and wearing my neck brace. a man looked at me and said, "no elevator this time huh" i said "no, i think i wanna try the stairs. i think i can do it." and then with so much wisdom wrapped around these words he said. "you know, you don't always have to be the hero." i nodded, he sort of left me speechless. i continued down the stairs replaying those words over and over in my head.
it is surprising to me how many times that i actually do things because i think i have to in order to be this 'strong person' that people think i am.
i pray for strength and courage because i feel like i have to handle my NF perfectly. because God allowed this to happen. because with His strength or without it is the difference between life and death to me. i often lose sight that because i am only human, i can only be so strong, smile through pain only so much. but the man at church is right, i don't always have to be the hero. its simply impossible.
i go back and forth with my emotions towards pain and my lack of control daily, even hourly. my weaknesses are so evident. i cant hide from my tumors and my pain. my pride is slapped down when i try to go throughout a day without God getting me through. i must cling to Him for every moment.
i am going to be at battle against my tumors for the rest of my life, but knowing that i will be in the Lords hands through it all...reveals to me that i am going to be ok. i will have victory. maybe i don't always have to be 'the hero' but remembering that victory will be mine in the end sure makes me feel like one.
also, super hero's have cool outfits. sometimes i will lose perspective and struggle with my fears so i decided to make myself a super hero cape. i figure that whenever i put it on, i will be reminded of my strength and i will feel victorious. what could these little jerk tumors have on me when God is with me?
and guess what? when i strapped that cape on, i honestly felt like i could do some serious damage. it is safe to say that pretending i am a mighty destroyer of all tumors is now my new favorite hobby. wait, who am i kidding. i'm not pretending, i actually AM a super hero. Super Tumor Hater that is... batman and spiderman say hi.
You are so awesome Kelly! With God as your strength, you can and will be victorious!! Thanks for the positive push today!
ReplyDeleteVery well written.
ReplyDeleteI have a tendency to be long winded, so I'll try to be brief.
ReplyDeleteYour blog came up in conversation between myself and someone we both know(not saying who, here) but they spoke of your condition and what you battle and I wanted(maybe needed) to know more, so I looked up your blog.
I have to say that I've browsed around it a bit and I have been impacted in the heart and mind. You have grappled with some major blows in life and are daily at battle physically(as well as spiritually, as all of HIS are).
Maybe at this moment I will not lay out all that is on my heart, as I said I would try to be brief, but I will say this...
In the past, I wondered what kind of man I would be when the worst was thrown at me? You see,I've always been then one to press to the front of the pack when biking, or running, or whatever. I've always just went for it with a tenacious, yet quiet, and subtle inner drive. Not for pride, but just to do it. I very recently had a conversation with myself about how I would handle things if I were not physically able to do what I enjoy doing so much. Would I truly handle it with grace? Would I just find a way to keep going? What if I couldn't keep going? Would I be soured by it, or depressed?
I look around sometimes for reminders that life could be worse, and I need to be very thankful, but what if I looked around one day and I couldn't see how it could get much worse? Would I then lose all that I thought I had, maybe then I would find all that I needed to find? It's all speculation until you are actually put to the test.
You should know, that know matter what happens in your future, you have handled some serious tough stuff through your youth and to now, with a kind of grace that pushes to the front of the line, and encourages us all! Maybe you are in such physical pain and cannot do much of what you did before, but you are doing so much more that most of us are doing now, and really doing it with a kind of grace that we should all desire. Eyes on the Heavenly prize, contented like Paul, in all things(weather it's weakness, or power, wealth, or poverty, health, or sickness). Like I said, We never really know what we're made of until we are put to the test, and despite the difficulty of this test, you are doing brilliantly!
Yours, in Christ our Lord
Kjell (1of2foradventure)