lose control

Here Eli and I are at our fanciest and not so fanciest. Also, let me introduce you to our puppy! World, meet Major Marvel Matthews.


I recently had another conversation with someone about healing. While I know this was a mean well conversation (as I am sure they all are) I really want to get some points across via my blog on how I feel about healing and how I feel when some of you talk to me about it.
So here it goes; I have lost count of how many people express their wishes for me to be healed. As in tumor free and no autonomic dysfunction. This is absolutely understandable, I get it…life without pain/tumor/sickness sounds a lot more appealing than otherwise. But I believe that ultimately, if that is the focus, then they/we are missing the point. I told this person that more than a tumor/illness free body, I want freedom in my heart and mind. I want to be healed from the emotional challenges that chronic illness and pain cause. I said that as long as my heart and mind are in the right place, I can handle anything that happens to my body. I desire to be a warrior for God. Someone that moves freaking mountains because I just can't cool my fiery Holy spirit jets. I want to remove blinders that are over peoples eyes that keep them from seeing Gods awesome love, grace and mercy. I want to help lead people to this freedom that I have. To this 100% certainty that God is good, always PERIOD. And that even though we don't understand our circumstance, it doesn't change who God is or the level of his greatness, holiness or righteousness. I want to ignite HOPE in peoples hearts. I want to somehow be able to prove to the broken, that we are also whole. This openness to trusting God in all circumstances has opened my heart to all the healing I will ever truly need. Being used by him to my fullest capacity is far more important to me than my present state of physical comfort. I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks because this is my resurrection. This is what heals me. This is my new heart and eyes that see past my tumors and pain and give me freedom.
I no longer live on the shore I washed up on after you spoke to me and my weak boundaries couldn't protect me. When you told me that I am not 'whole' because I have tumors. That I am not in Gods will because I have tumors. That I do not have enough faith when I pray, because if I did I wouldn't have tumors. Your words… so human, so thoughtless caused me to question who I am to God and His love for me. The mindset of 'if I can just have this much faith when I pray, then God will finally do what I am asking and heal me' only feeds our human nature of desiring control. Do you seriously think that you can control God and that He works out of obedience to your faith? Control and Surrender are entirely opposite. Control says that its up to me to get God to do what I am asking. Surrender looks beyond our human desires and says "But not my will Father."
I realize that it is so much easier to tell someone that you wish or are praying for their healing rather than that you wish or are praying that they could endure the journey. But folks…as I am presently in the journey that you are wishing me out of…unless this cup passes, what I truly need is endurance. No, my faith isn't weak. My faith knows God can heal, but my faith also makes my yearning to advance the kingdom of God trump my desire to be tumor free and 'healed'. Was Jesus' faith not the greatest in all humanity? How did He choose to pray? He didn't try to control the situation, he set aside his human desires and surrendered to a glory despite the pain that only His faith told Him of. Sometimes God allows pain and suffering, and sometimes we may never know why. But you know what is a constant? What is an always? Gods greatness. Gods divinity. He knows the whole story, and that truly does carry me. That cradles me in my weakest moments and lifts me higher in my strongest.
Christians, please be careful what you say to others. Words hold SO much power. Too much power for them to be tossed around with little thought, little knowledge, little truth. I beg of you to not be flippant with your words. I beg of you to lose control, surrender your desires. I beg of you to not look at me that way. I beg of you to not step on my peace. I beg of you to not tell me why I am not healed. I beg of you to not speak darkness into the light that has set me free. A part of me would love to be tumor free, but I know there is a purpose for my pain. And I trust that it will only last until its purpose has come to pass. That alone is enough for me to nestle into this peace and freedom.